Ask Pal

I Love You and I Will Miss You

2006-01-21T20:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends,

It is almost unbearable to type these words - today, we said goodbye to Pal. This will be the last letter posted.

Dear Pal,

Today, your daddy and I said goodbye to you and I can't begin to tell you how that feels. You were our pride and joy. A true blessing. As I have the need to talk, but I can't do that without crying, I will write. I need to tell you and the world how special you truly were.

Once upon a time, I was very sick with some sort of demon living in my stomach. I was unable to work. Sleeping has always been a bit tricky for me, too. It was a Saturday night. Your daddy fell asleep, but I stayed up and watched Saturday Night Live. Tracy Morgan had a skit on that night where he played the dopey animal talk show host. The skit featured a sphynx cat. Since I had already taken my sleeping meds, it made perfect sense that I had to have one of those. I longed for the companionship of a pet, but I didn't want some regular cat. So I went right in and got on the computer. Within minutes, I found your picture on a breeder's website. You were perfect.

You looked all wild-eyed with your crazy big bat ears. So handsome and wrinkled and sweet. I contacted the breeder and figured I would approach the subject with your daddy the next morning.

It all worked out. You flew on a plane from North Carolina and came to live with us. That sleeping-pill fueled decision was the best one that I have ever made. You were a prince. From the moment that you came into our lives, you blessed us with joy and companionship. You helped me through that very difficult time when I was sick. I know in my heart that you were one of the keys to my recovery.

I won't describe every moment we shared in this letter, but I want people to see just how special you were. Smart as a whip - you could get us to do whatever you wanted. We were absolutely under your spell.

A total fearless badass. If there was a surface in this house, you scaled it. You had to be the highest thing in the room at all times. If all you could get to was someone's shoulder, you took it. You would sit there like a parrot on a pirate. But if you could get onto something else, you did that. You particularly liked being on doors. Or the bookcases.

We called you our little climber monkey. Sometimes, if I wasn't paying enough attention, you would scale me and end up on the top shelf of the closet. I could never reach to get you down, so your daddy would come to your rescue or you would jump onto my shoulder.

This blog only portrayed one side of you - the sassy badass. And, you were, indeed, sassy. You did love your daddy more than anything on earth, but I want people to know that we were also friends. You loved me too. A lot. Sure, you may have talked some crap about me on the blog, but it was because we were more like siblings. Since I was home all of the time when he was a baby, I taught him how to play like a badass. That involved the killing of feet.

The sneak attack while in forts.

The art of invisibility.

And the art of war. We practiced your warrior skills a lot. You'd get that look in your eyes and I knew I was going to get it.

And I'd fight back too. There were many occasions when you would be hanging upside down from my arms and I would show your daddy and try to prove your bat heritage.

You'd pounce and play for hours. Sure, you did get plenty of sleep, but if you were awake, we were playing. We'd hear you dragging your ribbon from the bedroom into the office and we'd know you wanted to play.

While you were a total badass, you also had your sweet and quiet moments. When I was busy at the computer (which was frequent), you would sit on the modem and sometimes crawl into my lap.

(this one was taken while you sat on my lap, on your birthday, just two days before you got sick. It breaks my heart to know that you had a blood clot that was getting ready to break free and cause you such pain.)

My favorite times with you were spent in the infamous green chair. I don't have any pictures of us snuggling together, but that's where I studied. As soon as I pulled out a casebook, you would jump on the chair and crawl into my lap. You'd purr and purr. When it was cold, we'd cover up with your favorite blue blanket. I would curse every time the phone rang or if I had to do something stupid, like pee, because I didn't want to mess up those perfect moments.

I did manage to get your picture with your daddy, all snuggled up. I'm going to treasure these pictures forever.

I drove you crazy, following you around with the damn camera. Especially when I got the new D50. But you were right - you were a handsome son of a bitch and everyone loved to look at your pictures.

To have these pictures of you means the world to me. I'm sure I blinded you with the flash a couple of times, but you were so cute. It was impossible to resist your charms.

Pal, I love you and I miss you already. I'm glad your daddy and I were able to be with you until the end. You brought more joy to our lives than I can ever express. You were a perfect baby boy. My sun, my moon and my stars. I will keep you in my heart forever. I love you, baby boy. I LOVE YOU.

Love, Mommy

LISTEN TO ME THIS TIME - STOP TALKING TO ME

2006-01-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Happy Birthday.

Sincerely, Mommy

Dear Woman Who is Married to My Daddy,

I have repeatedly told you to stop emailing me. Please don't make me cut you on my special day.

With hate, Pal

Daddy is the nicest daddy in the world

2006-01-17T11:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Happy Birthday. We'll feast on tuna tonight in honor of your birthday.

Love, Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Thank you, Daddy. I look forward to our celebration. You better not invite her.

Love, Pal

Yes, My Birthday is Coming Up

2006-01-14T19:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Is it true that your birthday is coming up? Do you have special plans?

Sincerely, Pal Groupie

Dear Pal Groupie,

Yes, my birthday is on Tuesday, January 17. I will be a very devilish three years old.

To celebrate, I envision the following scene. Rest peacefully in my nest of blankets all day since both Mommy and Daddy will be at work. Mommy will arrive home first. I will spend at least 30 minutes chasing her and drawing her blood. (As I am getting older, it is important to stay in shape with a vigorous cardio workout).

Then, I will take another nap. A feast will be made in my honor by Chicken of the Sea. Daddy will come home and rejoice that it is my birthday. We will lock Mommy out of the house and play until I crash.

It's going to be the best birthday ever.

Best, Pal

They Say Wine is Good for Your Heart

2006-01-14T19:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I don't know what Bob is talking about. No one, and I do mean NO ONE knows who I am.

By the way do you have an opinion on people who drink too much wine with dinner? I'm not just talking a couple of glasses here; I'm talking falling down drunk.

Sincerely, The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I know we haven't personally met, but it sounds like Bob may have you mixed up with someone else....

I don't have any experience with wine. [With whine, yes, as that is Mommy's middle name.] I will assume that its intoxicating effect is similar to that of vodka or a lot of beer. I've had the opportunity to observe those antics.

I don't believe in doing anything, unless I am the best at it. Since I am the best at most things (playing ribbon, attacking Mommy, sleeping, being handsome, etc.), I can assume that one who drinks to the point of falling down is simply an overachiever. Perhaps if this person was to receive a ribbon for a being the world's best wine drinker, the person would no longer feel the need to fall down.

I am also assuming that this person would never get behind the wheel of an automobile. I do not approve of driving while intoxicated because it's stupid and I don't like stupid people. [This Public Service Announcement brought to you by The Pal.]

Best, Pal

Everyone wants to be near Pal

2006-01-14T18:47:00.000-05:00

Hey Pal,

Whats up?

I used to visit my friend, The Cat Lady, ("TCL") at her old office and that is where I first saw your picture - in TCL's office - right next to mine. Initially, I must admit, I was a little ticked that she would put a picture of another man (especially one that looks like you) anywhere near my beloved Sammy's picture, but I eventually got over it.

Although TCL is no longer at that office, your picture is now posted in several places throughout the building. How do you explain that? My Mom even has a picture of you at her desk. (She also has a few of that little orange cat, too). Is this your doing?

See ya Soon, Bob

Dear Bob,

Let me apologize for Mommy's behavior AGAIN. First, she is taking forever to type my dictation. She feeds me some bullshit line about how she is working on a brief for a moot court competition, but I know that's not true because I don't think she can read that well. Second, she's constantly taking my damn picture. All week long. Even though she started school again. She won't stop. Camera here. Camera there. Camera Everywhere. Here are a couple of examples of how I was minding my own business this week and she wouldn't go away.

This one's the proverbial straw that will break the mommy's camera when she goes to bed. I can't even attack things from a veil of invisibility and that stupid camera is there to capture it. As my Godmother noticed when she viewed the picture, I'm giving Mommy the international sign for "stop taking my goddamn picture."

Now, as for the photo displays in your mommy's workplace, I can completely understand that. I'm a handsome son of a bitch and it makes sense that people want to be surrounded by my beautiful face. It's Mommy's fault for taking the pictures in the first place and then posting them for the world to see on Flickr, but it's completely rational that people would want to be near my photographic cat person once they have it.

When we get to the desert, I am assuming that people will constantly be lined up outside of the house to see me during my awake hours. Bob, I know that you understand my pain. Being beautiful is such a burden.

Best, Pal

No One But Me Is Perfect

2006-01-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Your daddy can't possibly be perfect. Or can he?

Dear Doesn't Believe How Awesome My Daddy Is,

I understand that no one is perfect. Well, except for me. I am perfect. Daddy is as close as any other person can be. He's nice and he refrains from kissing my belly and he wants to avoid the weekly kill mommy spectacular with water effects just as much as I do.

Sometimes he does things that are silly. For example, he stopped at home today during my morning nap time (10 am - 2 pm). He talked to a giant lump in Mommy's quilt. He then convinced himself that I was dead because the lump wasn't moving. I watched with mild amusement from on top of another blanket across the room. It took him a while, but he eventually felt my powerful glare and realized where I was. He felt silly. He then left and I resumed napping.

Best, Pal

PS - good news - Mommy starts class again this week. Things are looking bright for Pal.

Change is good

2006-01-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

How come you changed your photo on this blog? The other one looked just fine.

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I changed my picture to show something a little more up to date. Everyone is cute when they are little. I've done the impossible and become even cuter than when I was little. (Because people thought it was impossible that I could be any cuter, see.)

The old picture was from when I was just a wee badass. This one shows how handsome I am currently.

Best, Pal

Snuggling with Daddy is Awesome

2006-01-05T10:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I understand that your daddy is perfect and all, but you looked kind of wussy in those photos where you were snuggling with him in the blue chenille blanky. Just sayin' you may want to watch photos like that in the future.

Sincerely, NOT The Cat Lady

Dear Not the Cat Lady,

I assume you are referring to pictures like this.

I'm going to have to say that you are WRONG. It's impossible for a badass like me to look like a wussy. It was nap time. The only reason I was awake is because SOMEONE kept taking my goddamn picture. I don't sleep on a bed of nails to stay tough. In fact, I'm a peaceful fellow, except when I'm enraged. It just so happens that Mommy enrages me frequently and I have to maim her a lot.

So your accusations which infer I am not a badass warrior are way off. I'm simply resting. Be sure that I could cut a bitch in a second, even while I'm this serene.

Best, Pal

Spring Is Looking Better

2006-01-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I really want you to like me. I'm taking Wills & Trusts, Family Law and a seminar in the spring. Is there any way that I can be of service to you with these new skills?

Sincerely, Bored 3L

Dear I Hope You've Got a Good Job Lined Up Because Those Loans Ain't Gonna Be Cheap,

I need to know the following:
1. What is the process necessary to terminate parental rights without the parent's consent. It is definitely in the best interests of the child, so you can skip over that part.
2. Can Mommy create a trust that will ensure that I have tuna and tasty treats to last for all of eternity? I want it to be called the Irrevocable Pal is the Most Awesome Badass Handsome Son of a Bitch Trust.

Run along. Do my bidding. You tell me when you've found the right answer.

Best, Pal

I'm the Supreme Cat of the United States

2006-01-04T16:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Alito's confirmation is in the news again. What do you think of him?

Sincerely, Legal Buff Who Loves Cats

Dear Cat Who Is Burdened by Law-Loving Dumbass,

You know my political leanings. He seems a little too conservative for me.

I need a justice who will restore peace and order to my world. In other words, when I kill Mommy, is he going to have my back? Probably not.

Best, Pal

Chenille Tastes Good

2006-01-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Your mommy recently told me that you are a blanket licker. Any rebuttal?

Sincerely, That's Kind of Gross

Dear Have You Ever Tasted a Blanket,

MOMMY IS A STUPID BITCH AND YOU SHOULD NEVER SIDE WITH HER.

From time to time, I may indulge in a taste or two of the blue chenille blanket. What's wrong with that?

Best, Pal

Wrongful Adoption

2006-01-04T16:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I'm in the middle of this research regarding an adoptive parent's right to privacy. What are your thoughts on this?

Sincerely, Constitutional Scholar

Dear Scholar,

You inquire about an interesting topic. Without thorough, possibly invasive, background checks, people end up with crazy assholes, like Mommy. With these same background checks, people could get someone perfect, like Daddy. It's a double-edged sword. Whose interests are more important? The crazy bitch who thinks people shouldn't know about how looney she is or the adoptee who could end up with her...

Mostly, it comes down to this: being a great warrior. If you can kick someone's ass, you will get what you want. So even if an adopted individual ends up with some nut, the true warrior can outsmart and out-battle the nut.

Best, Pal

Just Like Heaven

2006-01-04T16:03:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Well, come on. It's Wednesday. I expected a little more activity from you once your mommy went back to work. What's going on?

Sincerely, Loyal Fan

Dear Loyal Fan,

I am in such a blissful state that I forgot to do my dictation yesterday. I apologize, dear readers. She FINALLY went back to work yesterday. Now, my sleep cycle is back to normal. I can feast whenever I please. That goddamn camera isn't constantly flashing. Things here are good. Very good.

Best, Pal

My Resolutions for 2006

2005-12-31T17:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I'm going to play more. Do you have any resolutions?

Sincerely, Another Awesome Badass

Dear You May Be Awesome, But You Still Aren't As Awesome As Me,

Everyone has some improvements that they would like to make in their lives. Here are my resolutions for 2006.

1. Kill that camera.
2. Kill that bitch with the camera's corpse.
3. Move closer to my beloved Athena.
4. Stop taking baths.
5. Spend more time napping. I must be rested for all of the killing.
6. Snuggle with Daddy more.

Best, Pal

Mommy's on a Tight Leash

2005-12-31T17:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Don't you worry about letting your Mommy type your dictation? I mean, what if she tries to express herself or change your words.

Dear Person Who Doesn't Believe How Stupid Mommy Really Is,

I keep a tight watch on her while she types my dictation.

Plus, she's scared and knows not to change my words. Want to know why? Say it with me, people, I'll cut that bitch.

Best, Pal

A Pet for Jinxie

2005-12-31T16:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I know you lust after Athena, and she surely is a gorgeous kitty - quite suitable for your handsome self. However, I must tell you that I am quite a beauty too. My mommy shows me your pictures all the time, and I can't help but purr when I see your handsome body shots. I have included some pictures of my own for your viewing pleasure. The human in the picture is quite nice, unlike your Mommy (and mine, I might add). Mommy makes me wear a bell so she knows when I plan on jumping out and cutting Daddy's legs. She has recently begun to make a fire for me to lay in front of, which is pretty nice, however it does bug me when she coos over my warm belly fur and wants to disrupt my slumber to pet me.

I too can't wait until my Mommy returns to school, but it is my understanding that she is getting a dog to keep me company very soon. Yes, you heard me right, a DIRTY DOG! She keeps talking about how she can't wait to dress him up (because she knows if she tries that with me, she'll be breaking out the band-aids). I will have to cut him to let him know who's boss in this family. If you have any advice to help with this transition, I would appreciate it.

Happy New Year,Jinxie (Vale Queen's kitty)

Dear Jinxie,

First, let me thank you for the photos. You are an alluring beauty. I am a taken man, but I might have a friend for you. He's still a bit young, but he's very handsome. His name is mouse. He's a badass pirate kind of guy....

As for this dog - WHAT IS WRONG WITH MOMMIES? Why do they think their behavior is okay? The bell situation shows that you have your mommy in line, for the most part. They only accessorize you because they fear you. They need a warning to prepare for your attacks. That's good. They know who is boss (and it certainly isn't them).

You immediately have to train this dog. With proper training, he may make a suitable pet for you. Jinxie's obedience school for dumb dogs should operate smoothly with your keen senses.

I believe that this dog can become very useful in your fight against your mommy. If she is busy dressing this dog for the winter, she won't be bothering you while you are resting in front of the fire.

If she has to walk this beast, she won't be in the house listening for your bell, so you can plan your attack strategies with ease.

If the dog is tall, it might also serve as an easy to ladder to help you get to high places. For dive bomb attacks, of course.

Upon his arrival, if he shows any resistance to your plans, I suggest you cut him too. Show him that you are the one to be obeyed.

Best, Pal

Is it Tuesday Yet?

2005-12-29T20:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Isn't Mommy home with you this week? Are you enjoying this special time together?

Dear Jackass,

Yes, thanks for the reminder. She's here. She doesn't seem to be doing much, except taking my photo. Like, last night, for instance. I was tired after my Kill Mommy Spectacular with Water Effects (which was delayed this week due to Santa). I chose to sit on her because she is like a heating pad, although much more fidgety. Little did I realize that she had the camera with her and she was going to take 700 photos of me in 30 minutes. I tried to kill her with death rays, but it didn't work.

Today, she has been just as annoying. One of her friends came over and SHE WOKE ME UP FROM A NAP to go see this person. To show her who's boss, I kangaroo kicked her friend. Her friend isn't so bad since I know she gave Mommy my favorite ribbon to give to me. But still, lessons have to be learned about waking me. She needs to schedule visitors for only those four hours in which I am known to be awake.

Tonight, she has been packing boxes. I like this because I get to play in the boxes and on the resulting box towers.

She also labels all of the boxes, and I like to play with those too. I wish she was in no way involved in the activity, but at least she is simply here to stack boxes.

I think I will beat the crap out of her again because I forgot for a moment how pissed I am about the nap thing.

Best, Pal

Santa is Pretty Cool

2005-12-25T20:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Did Santa visit you last night? If so, what did you get?

Sincerely, Please don't be offended if you are Jewish or any other non-Christian denomination because I don't want you to cut me

Dear Don't Worry about It Because I Like Santa,

Santa did come last night. I got some KICKASS presents. Unfortunately, most of them came in boxes that Mommy had to open. She's slow and stupid, so it took some time to assemble my spectacular new tissue paper and box village, but when all of the pieces were put together - it is MAGNIFICENT. There are so many places for me to hang out and Mommy can't even fit her big head into them. It's great. I can hide all of my bottle caps now and she won't know where they are.

I received the best gift of all courtesy of my friend the internet. Check this out. Could my girlfriend be any more beautiful? [If you respond with anything that remotely asserts that you have seen a more beautiful cat - unless you mean me - I will cut your tongue out and slap you with it, then bury it in my tissue paper/box village and it will NEVER be found.] Do you see how Athena is staring into the distance? That's because she is daydreaming about the amazing tuna dinner that we will have when I finally move to the desert.

In conclusion, Merry Christmas. I have to go back to the village and wait for Mommy to walk by so that I can make her bleed red onto my green tissue paper. Just trying to keep things festive....

Best, Pal

IT'S BOB!!!!

2005-12-24T09:16:00.000-05:00

Are you a One-Woman Cat?

I understand and agree that Athena is quite the beauty. I've been to her house many times. But her sister, Sammy, is also a marvelous beauty herself. How will you handle having so much wonderous female feline beauty all in one place?

Curious. Bob

Dear BOB!!,

I am most certainly committed to my beloved Athena. Only five more months until our big move....

Having so much beauty around me will be quite an adjustment. The only female in these parts is Mommy and she's an unattractive oaf. It will be a nice change to be surrounded by other beautiful people. People who understand what it is like to be followed around by the cameras all day.

Best, Pal

Athena is a FOX

2005-12-22T11:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Have you seen the pictures of Athena on Flickr? If so what are your thoughts?

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

As I have always known, Athena is a FOX. [Insert sizzling noises here to demonstrate her hotness.] My beloved is a beautiful, adventurous tigress.

If Mommy attempts to block my viewing of these photos on Flickr, I will cut her.

Best, Pal

Exam Advice

2005-12-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Do you know what is going to be on my Pennsylvania Civil and Criminal Procedure exam? I'm feeling a little lost and I'm not sure what to study.

Sincerely, Maybe I should take the Jersey Bar instead

Dear Maybe You Should,

I know this might surprise you, but I am not psychic. I am many things, including handsome, sexy and perfect, but I am not psychic.

Given the nature of the topic, I am making an assumption that your professor is perhaps a judge or lawyer practicing in Pennsylvania. I suggest making all of your answers reflect how knowledgeable the professor is in the subject matter. Kiss a little ass. Flattery will take you places.

Best, Pal

STOP WRITING TO ME

2005-12-18T22:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I have a government contracts paper due this week and I'm not done yet. Any advice for me?

Sincerely, Mommy

Dear Mommy,

STOP WRITING TO ME. I HATE YOU. IF YOU WOULD DO SOME FREAKING WORK, INSTEAD OF WATCHING THE SIMPSONS AND BATHING ME, MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WOULD GET SOME WORK DONE AND STAY OUT OF MY HAIR. (heh heh. That's funny, people, because I don't have any hair.)

Quit being a baby and do your homework. You graduate in May. Would you rather have a final? Suck it up.

With hate, Pal

Bath Time Fun

2005-12-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

It's Sunday. How did your bath go?

Sincerely, Instigator

Dear I Hate You for Reminding Me,

You are correct. It is Sunday. That means that it was time for our weekly installment of the Kill Mommy Spectacular with Water Effects.

As usual, it started with Mommy's lame ass attempt at cutting my nails. Each week, they try something new to keep me from biting Mommy and it doesn't work. I'm a badass and I can't be stopped. Score one for Pal.

Next, we moved onto my ears. I DETEST having my ears cleaned. Through clawing, kicking, screaming, hiding and guilt-tripping, I made my position known. Unfortunately, those stupid cold yeast-infection-prevention drops (which I have now decided to call Monicat, like Monistat for you morons that can't make easy connections) made their way into my ears. Score one for the bitch.

Since Mommy was still alive, it was time for tooth brushing. I don't honestly mind this part because poultry paste tastes good. Although, since I was still pissed about the Monicat drops, I bit that bitch HARD through the toothbrush. I know she wanted to curse LOUDLY, but she refrained because Daddy would yell at her for upsetting me during this traumatic time. TAKE THAT, BATH BITCH. TAKE THAT. Score two for Pal since I got poultry paste and made her feel pain.

We concluded the evening with the actual bath. As always, it is too traumatic to discuss. If I have to be wet, you know that bitch ends up soaking wet too. She gets hers. This round was a draw.

I got treats again for "being good"/trying to kill her. It's a typical night in the life of the Pal. Through your grasp of elementary math, I'm sure that you can workout for yourself that I won. Like usual.

Best, Pal

What's up, Doc.

2005-12-17T12:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Athena's parents are bringing home a lop eared rabbit to live PERMANENTLY. How would you feel if your mommy and daddy brought another animal to live in your home? I would imagine you might be TICKED, like I am sure Athena and her sister Sammy are going to be. Big oaf of a dog won't care, but then this is about Athena. What advice would you give her in this situation?

BTW your mommy has posted additional pics of you on Flickr.

Best,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

First, Mommy is constantly putting pictures of me on Flickr. Just like she is constantly following me around with that damn camera. Just like she always comes back after she leaves the house. She is the bane of my existence. On the bright side, I am a handsome and sexy son of a bitch, so I can understand why people would want to see photographs of me all of the time. It's one of the many burdens of being so beautiful.

More importantly, the intriguing problem of my beloved Athena. I assume this rabbit is being brought into the home for purposes other than being Athena's slave, which I'm sure is annoying. I'm not accustomed to living with other animals (except Mommy), and I killed the one because he looked at me funny.

Based entirely on the logic that the bunny will be disliked and annoying, there are a couple of solutions. First, murder. As I learned, murder can be tricky because it can lead to an absolutely unacceptable level of verbal abuse, which means that Mommy talks even more and it is not complimentary. So that is an option to consider at great length.

My favorite option for the bunny is eternal servitude. It seems to me that my Athena needs more servants to tend to her needs. This bunny could be the start of something. He could shade her eyes from the sun with his floppy ears/umbrellas. Those ears could also serve as a wrap or scarf if she gets cold. [This is meant in no way to imply that cats need sweaters when they are could because THEY DO NOT - CAN YOU READ, MOMMY - THEY DO NOT!!!!!]

Another excellent option for the bunny is scapegoat. Whenever anything bad happens, the bunny clearly did it.

The bunny may also be used as a sparring partner for improving Athena's warrior skills.

I do believe this bunny may have its uses, although I'm sure it will prove to be nothing but a burden.

Best, Pal

Mommy is a slacker

2005-12-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Nothing to say? Cat got your tongue? Why so few posts recently?

Dear I Already Don't Like You,

Cat got your tongue? You aren't funny - you know that, right? For the record, I don't think I like you that much.

What's her name is in the middle of something that she calls "finals" and has less time to dedicate to my dictation. Daddy said that I have to cut her a break right now because "finals" are apparently hard and if she doesn't do well, she won't pass "the bar." I'm being nice only because Daddy asked me to. Otherwise, I'd cut that bitch to teach her a lesson about ignoring me.

With dislike,
Pal

I Still Hate Mommy

2005-12-16T11:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I heard that your mommy kissed your belly last night after you stole her highlighter. Hopefully, you cut that bitch.

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

She tried to kiss my belly. As soon as she got near it, I kangaroo kicked that bitch in the eye. She's stupid. Never learns from her past mistakes.

Best, Pal

The entire floor will be like my beloved vent

2005-12-13T15:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

How do you feel about the pending move to Nevada? In particular, if your Daddy wanted to introduce you to some people there, would you be interested in meeting them and would you let them pet you?

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

Nevada intrigues me greatly. First of all, Athena lives there. I am excited to be near her. The wooing will begin immediately after I arrive. Catnip bouquets, fine dining with tuna, etc. Second, our new house has an entirely tile first floor, which will act as my biggest hot rock ever. Daddy swore to me that I will never be cold again after we move there. Daddy would never lie to me.

As for meeting people, here's how it goes. As I have mentioned before, there are a number of things that I don't like. If Daddy wants to introduce me to sucky smelly flat-assed people, I probably won't let them touch me. If Daddy tries to dress up Mommy and pass her off as a new person, I'll cut that bitch.

If the person is not Mommy and doesn't offend me in other ways, the meeting will go something like this.

Doorbell - have an attack and act insane. People come into house. Become invisible and run to spy fort. Observe new people to see if they are worthy of touching me. Then, I will go to the top of the steps and resume visibility. I will peer down at the visitors. If they do not immediately begin to coo over me, I will be deeply offended and go to rest. If they do coo, I will go downstairs and run as fast as I can to hide beside something. If the cooing continues and gets louder (think of when the audience chants "Encore, Encore"), then I will walk by them closely enough for a quick pet. Cooing should continue. Once I feel appropriately flattered, I will allow the person to touch me briefly. In reward for this privilege, the person is required to play with me for the next several hours until I collapse.

Best, Pal

Of Course I Did

2005-12-12T22:25:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

So what happened? Did you have to kick her ass because there were too many pictures this weekend?

Dear She Got Hers,

Yes, I had to kick her ass. I'm trying to teach her through behavior modification again. When she has the camera, I try to kill her. When she does anything that does not involve the camera (or bathing/grooming rituals), I let her live. She is so damn stupid and slow. This is going to take some time.

Tonight, she got a book in the mail, so she sat in the green chair for a while and didn't touch the camera. As a reward for her behavior, I sat in her lap and allowed her to pet my beautiful cat person. In an attempt to win my love, she read me poetry. I particularly liked one that had to do with being awesome. I can completely understand that because I am awesome. The book also mentioned Ninjas and ass kickings, so it seems much better than the crap that involves the highlighters. Mostly, I like it because she didn't touch the camera while she was reading.

Then she finished the book and out it came. That camera must die. Why me? Why must I have this Mommy monkey on my back??? I'm going to have to hurt her again while she's sleeping.

Best, Pal

Snow or Not, I've got to Escape

2005-12-09T15:24:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I heard it snowed at your house last night. Does Daddy take you out to make snow angels?

Dear We Clearly Haven't Met,

Hi. I'm Pal. I'm hairless. I can barely stand to be in the house and the heat is set on 76 degrees. I'm certainly not going outside in the snow. Although if it would make Daddy happy, I'd probably consider it.

Since it snowed, Mommy is home from work. Something HORRIBLE has happened. The new camera arrived earlier this week. She's stopped talking about secured transactions and she's allowing herself to play with it. She's already messing with me.

I'm trying to show her who's boss, as you can see in this pose.

I don't think she gets it. I've got to kick her ass and then kick the camera's ass. This is going to be a long weekend...

Best, Pal

You are Wrong. Plain Wrong.

2005-12-06T20:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Your Mommy still doesn't sound that bad. Sure, costumes suck, but she likes you and wants you to look cute. I need more concrete evidence of how she is a bad mommy.

Dear Moron II,

Earlier this evening, Mommy colored my one eyebrow blue with a highlighter. If you don't see the harm, regardless of whether the highlighter is "non-toxic," you are also a moron.

Best, Pal

Happy Holidays

2005-12-05T11:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I got your holiday card. What in the hell is happening there????

Sincerely, Never Eating Chicken Again

Dear Fish Tastes Better than Chicken Anyway,

I assume you are referring to this.

She tried to hide the cards from me, but I saw it. Let me be straight with you. I LOVE this picture. I have never looked more like a badass. Mommy finally captured my inner essence. The fangs and the look in my glowing eyes that promises an immediate ass-kicking... That's how our relationship looks. Finally, the world will know how much I hate wearing costumes.

Best, Pal

Sweaters Suck

2005-12-05T11:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Does the sweater actually keep you warm? Hopefully it does. Being cold is a real bitch.

Sincerely,
The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I refuse to comment in any way if it will make the sweater seem like a positive thing. I hate that sweater. It tastes bad and it makes Mommy coo and take even more pictures. Someone needs to lock her up and throw away the key. Crazy bitch.

You want to know what keeps me warm? Snuggling with Daddy and sitting on the vent. She will never learn that this is what I want. Not some stupid sweater.

Best, Pal

Not well at all, thanks for asking

2005-12-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

How's your weekend going?

Dear Nameless Reader,

Things have hit an all-time low. Winter is near and the house is freezing. Even Mommy admits that it is cold and she is a moron. Whenever I hear the heater turn on, I run to the bathroom or office so that I can sit on the vent and stay warm.

In an attempt to torture me even more, Mommy and Daddy bought me a shirt last night. It was big enough around the neck so that I could wriggle out of it quickly. Problem solved.

Today, Mommy comes home from school and she has lots of bags. She tricked me into going into the bathroom and then she did this.

I'm having problems getting this one off. So I'm going to pretend that it is the heaviest sweater ever and see if that gets her to take it off. Just for the record, note how she gets the camera out immediately after dressing me. She claims that she's doing it to keep me warm, but I don't believe her. Lying bitch.

Best, Pal

Everybody wants a piece of Pal

2005-11-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I have reviewed your posting on Catster. Between Catster, this blog, and The 2005 Christmas Card, don't you feel a bit overexposed?

The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I like to keep my ventures separate. This blog is the place where I can share my life lessons. I hope that I can teach others a thing or two. Whether it is a cat who needs to defeat a bad mommy or some whimpering law student (do any of them suck it up and go quietly??), I am here to help solve problems. I'm not just a badass; I'm also a giver.

Catster allows me to make other cat friends. It's my social time. I can converse and share photos. Time for Pal to make some pals. If it happens to lead to a kitty revolution, c'est la vie.

As for the Christmas card... I have nothing to do with that. It's all Mommy. She wears me down during bath time, then wrestles me into a costume every goddamn year. Because she knows a beating is coming, she quickly snaps some photos. She won't let me see this year's card. I think she is afraid of my wrath. She should be afraid of my wrath.

If it was up to me, there would be no camera in the house. Mommy has been compulsively checking prices on something she calls "the D50" and it concerns me. If it has half of the shutter speed that she promises, the camera will probably be involved in a horrible accident in the first week that she has it. Ooops.

If I start advertising or if my name makes it into the gossip columns, then I will be overexposed. Not a second before that.

Best, Pal

Reverse Psychology

2005-11-28T14:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I heard that you have been nice to your mommy for the past couple of days. What's going on? Don't you hate her anymore?

Sincerely, Confused

Dear Confused,

It's simple - I'm messing with her. You know how she always messes with me? I'm too lazy to dress her up like an elf and take pictures, but I still enjoy screwing with her head.

So for the past couple of days, I have sat on her and pretended that I wasn't filled with rage when she speaks to me or pets my nose. But, soon, I will turn on her. Then she will spend days wondering what she did to cross me again.

Pal is a badass. Mommy is a dumbass. It's the way of the world.

Best, Pal

Bath Time is for Killing

2005-11-28T14:18:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I heard an ugly rumor that Athena's parents (mostly her mommy) are planning to give her a bath. As you know, Athena is a gorgeous medium to long haired beauty. Her parents are whining because she got a little bit of motor oil on her coat. Since you get bathed on a regular basis, what advice do you have for Athena?

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

First, I am intrigued to hear that my beloved has been playing in motor oil. She's got such an adventurous streak.

As for baths, they are the worst thing that can happen to a kitty, besides getting trapped in that little plastic box and being transported to Dr. Lon for poking with needles. (I like Dr. Lon way more than Mommy, but still. Needles aren't cool.) Here's the thing about baths: I am surely not going to give one to myself, so that means that Mommy has to be involved. If I torture Mommy as much as possible during the process, she won't want to repeat it. This is further evidence of how mommies are just like Pavlov's dogs. Negative reinforcement and the behavior should cease.

My first piece of advice for Athena is to hide and resist capture. Perhaps her mommy will forget and move on to other methods of torture. (like a Christmas portrait, perhaps...)

Athena's mommy probably realizes that her plan will be met with some resistance. If her mommy is clever, she will have all of the doors closed, so an easy escape won't be possible. Athena must focus her energies on hurting her mommy during that time. She may choose her weapon. I, personally, like nails and dagger teeth.

If Athena's mommy is prone to guilt, she needs to cry and whine as loud as possible.

Another fun thing that I like to do is to play world's heaviest cat. I push and lean all of my weight in one direction so that it is difficult to wash me. I also like to get away from Mommy whenever possible. I'll hide in the laundry basket or behind the toilet. Wherever. Just not near that soap-wielding bitch.

I hope this helps my Athena.

Best, Pal

Dear Santa

2005-11-24T22:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

What's on your Christmas List this year?

Sincerely, Santa

Dear Santa,

I can't believe you even have to ask this. I want you to make Mommy act right. I hate her almost as much as I hate bathing (which is worse because she gives me the baths).

In order to make her act in an acceptable manner, I ask you to work your magic and make the following things happen:

Cease with the bathing. I don't like it. Daddy says that I smell cute when I'm funky, so it must be true. Things that smell cute don't need to be washed.
Stop her from making Daddy leave the house to spend time away from me.
Never let her kiss my irresistible belly again.
Burn all costumes in my size or look like they might be my size in the bag.
Maker her SHUT UP. She never stops talking. All of the time, I hear her whining. SSSSSHHHHHH. I'm trying to sleep. She can speak for the four hours that I am awake each day. No more than that.
Take away that goddamn camera. Do not let her buy a new one. I have been through enough.

This will be a start. I thank you for these items in advance.

Best, Pal

Time to give thanks

2005-11-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

What are you thankful for?

Dear Timely Thanksgiving Question Asker,

I am thankful for Daddy. He is the best. I love him more than fish and catnip put together.

I am also thankful for Athena because she is a fox.

I am not thankful for that stupid bitch that made me take a bath today because we were having company. She'll get hers later, when she tries to sleep.

Best,
Pal

An Empty Sack

2005-11-23T20:05:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Mommy is preparing to put up "holiday decorations." I'm not sure what that is, but she keeps telling me I better not break her balls, or mine are getting cut off. What does she mean? Should I be worried? And what about all those decorations - they look shiny through the box! How can I resist if there are shiny balls?

- Mouse

Dear Mouseketeer,

Maybe she means that she is going to remove the little red ball on the rubber band from your paddle board... Other than that, I'm not sure. Mommy sometimes refers to "giant balls that looks like a Macadamia nut" that I had when I first got here from North Carolina, but who can remember back that far? Unless you are really attached to your paddle ball set, I wouldn't worry about the ball getting cut off.

I don't think you can resist the shiny balls. Normally when Mommy tells me that she is going to do something to me if I am bad, she's already got it on the agenda. For example, I've heard "Asshole, if you don't stop biting me and making my arm go numb, your getting a bath." Once, I stopped biting her and I still got a bath. Mommy is a liar and I'm sure your mommy is no different. She's already planning to cut off your balls, so why not have a little fun right now?

If the decorations look appealing, then play with them. Like usual, if you get yelled at and it breaks the mood, do it when she goes to work. Blame it on Phoebe when she gets home. Seems simple enough.

If your the Christmas decorations at your house are anything like they are at our house, I think you will be pleased. We have a fake tree that sparkles and it has a color wheel that makes it change colors. I love that color wheel. I can do awesome shadow dances and it's like studio 54.

Best, Pal

I'll cut you too

2005-11-20T22:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Your mommy has been talking an awful lot about this year's Christmas card. Is it really that good?

Dear No Longer on My Gift List,

So, she's been running her mouth again, has she? SHE NEVER LEARNS.

That bitch wrestled me into a costume YET ONCE AGAIN this year. She then started with the goddamn camera when I was fighting to get free. Next thing I know, she has tricked my Daddy into spending time with her and they are laughing hysterically at the computer. I assume she was showing him a picture of how I kicked her ass for trying to dress me like an elf.

As for the Christmas card, I can only assume it is a picture of me. Everyone wants one. It's the hot item on everyone's Wish list. I can only hope it portrays me as a true badass...

Sincerely, Pal

I'm always awesome

2005-11-20T22:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

You're the coolest. What's the most awesome thing you've ever done?

Sincerely, I want to be like you

Dear Everyone wants to be like me,

I give everything my all, so each and every last thing I do is awesome. There's no denying it.

Take, for example, yesterday. My daddy loves Kelly Clarkson more than any other musical artist on earth, but he is kind of embarrassed by it. Mommy says it is something about being a former punk rocker and how he must be losing his edge. I say, MOMMY SUCKS and anything that Daddy likes must be perfect. So, in her dictation for the day, I sent Mommy to Borders and had her pick up the Kelly Clarkson CD for Daddy as a belated birthday present. I got him Coldplay too because he claims that I like it and that Speed of Sound is "my jam."

[I don't honestly know if I have a jam. I do know that I like anything that doesn't involve Mommy listening to the new Rent Soundtrack. I broke the kitchen CD player so that she would stop listening to the old one while she bakes cookies to stay in good favor with Daddy. Do you people even understand the sacrifices I make to be near Daddy???? 525,600 bites to Mommy's wrist - that's how I measure a freaking year.]

That's just one example of the awesome things I do. There are thousands more. A lot of them involve kicking Mommy's ass. But I'm modest, so I don't want to boast.

Best, Pal

Study Tips

2005-11-19T09:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Finals are approaching and I've been neglecting my school work. What's the best way to learn Article 9 of the UCC in a short period of time?

Sincerely, Lost in Law

Dear Lost in Law,

It might help if you stop emailing me and start studying. And maybe, just maybe, if you read the damn book, you will learn the words inside. Stop procrastinating and whining and start studying.

Best, Pal

I'm not stupid and I'm not a wuss

2005-11-19T09:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal - My mommy said I needed to come here and apologize for calling you a "wuss" and "stupid naked cat." But you always advise cats not to do what their stupid mommy's say, so then I got all confused and I didn't know what to do. So I ate all of Mr. Inigo's food, because that always helps me think better. Then I clobbered Mouse on the head, just because I thought that might make me feel better too. Then I tried to eat the new bracelet mommy made, but I got yelled at. So I guess I'm sorry I called you names. Can I have the tuna your not getting now?- Phoebe

Dear Feebs,

You still don't have to listen to your mommy. I never listen to mine. She's an idiot. The tuna information came from daddy and he wouldn't lie, so it's okay.

Sure, you can have the tuna I'm not getting, but you will probably have to fight Mommy for it. She's dumb as a rock, but she is protective of her food. Be prepared for a good battle.

Your mommy's advise was wise in this situation. Because I am not a wuss. Unless wuss is your very bad misspelling for badass.

Sincerely,
Pal

Mercury is for thermometers

2005-11-13T18:58:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I've heard a rumor through the grape vine that your mommy stopped giving you tuna - and you accepted this without argument! What gives? Are you becoming a total wuss? And don't you realize you're endangering one of my favorite food sources? What if my mommy does that too???

Phat Phoebe

Dear Feebs,

I'm going to remain calm even though you called me a wuss. Here's what went down.

Me and Daddy were talking and cuddling one day. Daddy was telling me how I am the most awesome thing that has ever happened in his life. (As opposed to getting married to Mommy, which was extremely stupid on his part.) We discussed how I drink Mommy's blood so that I may achieve eternal youth. Daddy said that it is also important that I eat healthy. Seems that there is a lot of mercury in tuna and that isn't good for a badass like me.

You know how everyone wants to be like me? Well, that definitely includes Mommy because she wants Daddy to love her as much as he loves me. So she has been taking tuna sandwiches to work. Whenever she assembles the tuna, celery and white goo, I am given a small portion to get me away from her bowl. This, in addition to the after-the-bath tuna seemed like a lot, considering the bad stuff.

Daddy said that there are other smooshy treat foods that I might be interested in trying. Foods that taste AS GOOD AS tuna. Foods that are probably better for me. We tried it out last week and it wasn't bad. I still got two small servings of tuna this week too.

I am not a wussy and I will kick anyone's ass who tries to make that argument twice. I am a prince, so I get anything I want for dinner and I am broadening my culinary horizons. If your mommy tries it, you might like it.

Best, Pal

Why are you so cold if you have fur?

2005-11-12T17:40:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Mommy keeps stepping on me. It's very annoying. She should understand that if she's not going to turn the furnace on in this place, I need a constant source of warmth! How can I explain this without getting my toes squished?

Mouse

Dear Sir Buttons,

I know where you live. Get Inigo to turn on the furnace. He's smarter than both of our mommies put together.

As for the whole getting stepped on thing, maybe you should take a hint from the Pal Playbook and scale her instead of lingering by her feet. If you climb up her person and sit on her shoulder, there are a couple of benefits. First, you get the added warmth of her neck and a hair blanket. Second, she will like it because she will feel like a cool pirate with a parrot on her shoulder.

Best, Pal

You need a psych eval

2005-11-08T23:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

Have you ever been evaluated for a mental disorder? I'm concerned because you seem a little unstable, filled with rage and have delusions of grandeur.

Sincerely, A Friend

Dear My Newest Enemy,

You must be some kitty's asshole mommy. I can sense it. I hate you. Your cat is probably plotting to kill you.

Best, Pal

A question about a recent photo of me

2005-11-08T23:42:00.000-05:00

Is the tongue some kind of commentary on how you feel about your Mommy, or are you trying to lick your way out of that outfit?

Dear Daft Kitty,

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF SOME CRAZY WHORE TRIED TO SUFFOCATE YOU WITH SOME FELT/VELCRO THING. YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT IT HAS A BELT. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SHE KISSES MY TUMMY. BUT A BELT? SHE WILL NEVER LEARN.

But, seriously, I was licking my chops because she got hers immediately following this picture. I assure you that I will not be costumed again in the near future.

Best, Pal

Solutions to having a stupid mommy

2005-11-08T23:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

How can I make my human slave clean the litter box as soon as I use it and every time that I use it? I have tried positive reinforcement (sitting by her as she cleans it and purring and rubbing against her to show that I am pleased). I have tried nagging (repeatedly leading her to the box and meowing like a broken record).I have tried nasty consequences (little surprises beside the box or holding it until I explode).She seems to be too stupid to figure any of it out. What do you suggest?

Thanks,Mash

Dear Mash,

I like you. You have very good questions that keep me plotting against evil Mommies everywhere.

The obvious solution to your dilemma is similar to what I advised your boyfriend: electric shock. You truly have tried everything. Your mommy must be dumb as a rock to not get what you are trying to accomplish. But even Pavlov's dogs learned eventually. If you shock her repeatedly when the litter needs to be changed and then cease shocking her when the litter is cleaned, she will learn that she is rewarded with no pain. It makes perfect sense.

Fortunately, Mommy has learned that if she kisses my belly, I'm going to kick her in the eye. She's dumb, but I am such a badass that she knows not to mess with this tummy anymore. The lesson we can learn? Beat up a mommy and she'll stop because she wants to be free from pain.

Best, Pal

Mommy is a bitch

2005-11-06T22:46:00.000-05:00

Christmas Portrait Gone Bad
Originally uploaded by kittenagogo.

Dear Pal,

What's your favorite time of year?

Sincerely, Mommy

Dear Camera Toting Bitch,

It certainly isn't Christmas Portrait Day, if that's what you're getting at.

I hate you in more ways than I could ever express.

With Hate, Pal

She'll learn

2005-11-05T16:42:00.000-05:00

Pal Paws
Originally uploaded by kittenagogo.

Dear Pal,

I think you really like your mommy and you just want people to think you are a badass. Is this true.

Dear Sadly Mistaken,

See this picture? This is my delicate kitty paw right before I smacked a bitch up because she wouldn't stop with that damn camera.

If you try to pull the same crap, I'll get you too. Understood?

Best, Pal

For Sir Buttons

2005-11-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

Sir Buttons recently sent me a number of questions. I originally planned to answer them throughout the week, but the changing of the clocks threw off my sleep cycle, so I have been awake far less this week. I will put my answers in bold throughout his original email.

Dear Pal - Mommy said she's going on vacation, and I should make a list of the stupid questions I'm always asking and have them taken care of while she's gone...

So here they are: Why does Phoebe sit and stare at people – it really freaks them out! And how can I learn to do that?

I believe that Phoebe sits and stares at people for the very same reason that you wish to imitate her. It freaks people out and makes her a badass. Everyone needs a skill that brings out the fear in others.

Since Phoebe has cornered the market on this particular tactic in your community, I suggest you look to hone a different skill. Perhaps a sideways walk that looks particularly fierce. Or a really high jump that will scare the bejeezus out of people when they don't realize that you are next to them.

Personally, I like to scale people like I'm a damn mountain lion. Particularly if you can get them from behind. Freaks them out every time.

Why are the best toys kept under the fridge?

Because kitchen floors are more conducive to hockey and soccer and the best toys usually slide.

Or because your mommy is a huge bitch and she is hiding them from you on purpose.

Probably the latter.

Why can’t I go outside?

I can't go outside either. Perhaps you too get sunburnt?

How come Inigo gets to eat on the counter?

From this question, I assume that you are not allowed to eat on the counter. This means that you are taking orders from your mommy. Like usual, a mommy is trying to keep a good cat down.

Take charge of the situation. If it's eating on the counter that you want, start doing it. If your mommy tries to stop you, cut the bitch.

Why does Mommy get annoyed when I suck on her nightgown?

I believe a better question is why do you want to suck on her nightgown. I hate to side with a mommy, but this seems like a weird habit to me. If annoying a mommy is involved, there should be bloodshed. Quit sucking and start cutting.

What’s in that closet that has the lock on it? It’s the only door Inigo can’t open.

It's probably a magical land of endless tuna. You better help Inigo with that door. Let me know when you get in.

Why is it wrong to sharpen my nails on the sofa? I like the way it feels on my paws.

I see nothing wrong with it. Continue on. If you like it, it must be fine. Why would you like something bad? If your mommy works, I suggest you do it when she is gone so that you don't have to listen to her whining.

If she gets out of hand with the whining, scratch on her and see which she likes better.

When I’m bigger than Inigo, would it be wrong to kick his ass?

No. It is never wrong to show everyone that you are a badass. I do suggest some caution if he is going to open the door to the endless tuna.

My grandmother wants me to come and live with her – should I go?

It depends. Where is there more tuna? Will she let you scratch the couch? Will you constantly be the center of attention, with people praising your magnificence and regal beauty? If so, then go.

Why does mommy need a vacation? What’s a vacation anyway?

A vacation is when a mommy finally grants your wish and goes away. I always hope that Mommy doesn't come back, but she always does. Although, in a way, I don't mind seeing her occasionally because I enjoy practicing my warrior skills.

Thanks in advance - Mouse

You are welcome, dear friend. I encourage your inquisitiveness. You will grow to be quite a badass. I'm certain of it.

I LOVE Athena's Mommy

2005-11-01T09:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,
I know this chick who just resigned from her full time law job to become a personal trainer or some such nonsense. She says that she intends to still practice law "part time" (whatever that really means) but that right now she is concentrating on taking a couple of months off!! Is this totally silly or what? OH, btw, this is Athena's mommy that I'm talking about. Just thought you should know.

The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

Athena's mommy is perfect because she is Athena's mommy. I know she wouldn't do horrible things to her kitty like my mommy does to me.

During her time off, I bet she plans to spend the entire time doing things for Athena. Opening cans of tuna. Playing ribbon. Bringing little spiders into the house for Athena to catch.

When I first moved in with Mommy and Daddy, Mommy was off from work. She's a lazy slug, so she spent a lot of time in bed. On the bright side (and there is infrequently a bright side when Mommy is involved), this is when I learned the art of war. We played undercover assailant all of the time and I would rip that bitch up.

So, while leaving the big bucks of full time legal work might seem a little weird, it seems worth it if my Athena will be living in the lap of luxury with a servant.

Best, Pal

I'm a nudist

2005-10-30T09:52:00.000-05:00

Dear Pal,

I read here that you are supposed to wear a t shirt AT ALL TIMES. Except when you are vacationing in Boca. Which leads me to ask, where is your t shirt?

Yours Truly,Starla

Dear Starla (are you the same Starla that lives with Mrs. Butterworth??),

I've heard that some of my nudist brethren are into fashion. I am a true nudist and do not like to feel hindered by clothes. Plus, I think Mommy wants me to wear clothes, so that gives me an automatic reason why I don't want to.

I arrived here in the summer, so no one was worried about me being cold then. When it started to get chilly, Mommy bought me a shirt thing. I put up quite a fight when she was trying to put it on. Once I was wearing it, in my finest David Copperfield moment, I wriggled twice and was out of that thing and across the room. Since then, she hasn't learned her lesson and she's tried to put me in a variety of ensembles for photographs. It does not go well and she usually ends up being harmed. Stupid Mommy.

Mostly, they just keep the house warm enough so that I won't be cold (which Mommy hates because she is an ice queen). It's a good things because I will fight Mommy until she dies if she tries to dress me again.

Fortunately, this is our last winter here and we will live in the desert soon. It's warm in the desert.

Best, Pal

You Used to Have a Mullet

2005-10-26T21:43:00.000-04:00

If I used to have a mullet, is it right to pick on you for occasionally being greasy?

Dear Nameless Fashion Victim,

Your attempt to insult my beauty is recognized. Is this truly a war that you think you can win? I am a sexy son of a bitch. I know it. Plus, people tell me all of the time, so I'm not just crazy like Mommy.

To right this grievous wrong, I ask that you send me gifts. I prefer Chicken of the Sea in single serving cans. Which I eat after the bath. Which removes any grease, by the way. Unlike the indelible mark of a mullet on one's reputation....

Best, Pal

That Dog Needs BOTOX

2005-10-26T21:29:00.000-04:00

Dearest Pal,

It's the cat formerly known as Mr.Poopers. As a result of your wonderful advice I have denounced my slave name and will now be called Mrs. Butterworth. I have found myself in another "situation" and am seeking your advice. A few months ago Mommy (whom I now call "the oppressor") brought home an ugly, wrinkly shar pei mutt to live with my sister Sasha and I. The oppressor calls her Starla, and we hate her. She is constantly trying to make friends even though we hiss at her and try to attack her. What can we do to make her leave?

Yours truly,Mrs. Butterworth

Dear Mrs. Butterworth,

First, and most importantly, I'm glad you got that name thing worked out. I was truly concerned. Well, when I wasn't sleeping or plotting against Mommy.

Onto Starla. First, what is up with your mommy? Her name choices are questionable.

The most obvious choice for the dog is murder. This can sometimes be tricky to plot and might make your mommy want to get rid of you. Consider this an option, but there might be a few other tactics that will work to rid your presence of the dog, which allow her to retain her life.

These dogs have wrinkles. As I have learned from that pug owner, sometimes these wrinkles get gross and become stinky. If you pretend to play with the dog and accidentally get tuna or some other seafood product in the wrinkles, the dog will be in the bathroom constantly for bathing. Therefore, out of your hair.

Another option with the wrinkles: POISON IVY. If the overly friendly canine gets a touch of poison ivy, especially deep down into the wrinkles, she will be far more preoccupied with scratching to attempt friendship. If she knows that you were the one who infected her, she will know your badassness and leave you alone forever.

Best, Pal

My Beloved Athena

2005-10-25T23:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I have it on good authority that Athena's sister, Sammy, is every bit as beautiful as Athena is, and a bit more wordly. Do you plan to woo them both?

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

Absolutely not. She's a taken lady and I have no intention of crossing Bob. In fact, I want to befriend Bob. It seems like we could work together. Just picture Mommy trying to fend off me and an accomplice...

I only have eyes for Athena now. Plus, it would be a pain in the ass to rename the lear jet...

Best, Pal

PS - By "wordly," I assume you meant worldly. If you mean she is chatty or something, that would remind me too much of Mommy and I would not like that.

Humiliate a Mommy

2005-10-25T11:26:00.000-04:00

Pal
Originally uploaded by kittenagogo.

Dear Pal,

What's the easiest way to humiliate a mommy?

Sincerely, Out of Ideas

Dear Out of Ideas,

I recommend taking photographs of your mommy in silly poses and then posting them for the world to see. Mommy keeps doing that to me, as is evident from this lovely shot. Fortunately, I'm still a handsome and sexy son of a bitch, so even though some might think I look silly sitting that way, I'm still better than she is. But if your mommy doesn't have the unfaltering self-confidence that I clearly possess, this might make her feel bad about herself.

Best, Pal

Vacation, all I ever wanted

2005-10-25T10:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

The crazy lady is packing suitcases. This means abandonment, no daily treats, nobody to bite, and that man who hammers and saws on all of our stuff is going to be coming in more often. What can we do to stop her? She does this at least once a year.

The Trio

Dear The Trio,

I cannot fathom what it is like to not want your mommy to pack up her shit and get the hell out, so I will pretend that it is my daddy leaving.

First, you need to make her experience with the suitcases miserable. They make VERY NICE forts, so you should play in them as much as possible while they are open. To torment mommy, I like to mess with stuff as she puts it into my new fort. If I sit on her clothes, there is always a chance that I will get them greasy. If you are a furry trio, you can make an effort to get fur on every single thing she tries to pack.

Second, you need to behave really badly while she is gone. If no one wants to babysit you in the future, it will make it harder for her to leave. No one ever wants to babysit me because I am a biting badass that needs bathing.

Third, resume torturing her directly when she returns. The silent treatment is most effective for the first couple of days. Play only with each other. Show her how self-sufficient you are. That gets the guilt going. If you like her, you can start to reintegrate her in a few days. But make her pay. The more she dreads your silence when she returns, the less likely she is to leave in the first place.

Best, Pal

Everyone Loves Pal

2005-10-24T11:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I have it on extremely reliable authority that your future lady-love, Athena, lives not only with another cat, but with an Old English Sheepdog! Word on the street is that this monster weighs in at approximately 100 pounds and has nearly a ton of hair. How are you going to handle this situation?

The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I am beginning to suspect that you doubt my natural charisma. Since this sheepdog is the gatekeeper to my lady love, I will charm him too. What does he like? Leftovers from Emery's? Done. Hearing stories about how Mommy is a moron? Done. To pose in photographs with a nudist cat? Done.

Whatever it takes, Sheepdog and I will become the best of friends in no time. Perhaps there will be a nice lady sheepdog in my new neighborhood and they can date. The party barge is quite the hot spot...

Best, Pal

I HATE MOMMY

2005-10-23T11:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I have this friend at law school, Vale Queen. She's super fun and I get to see her a lot because she's also on the Moot Court Board. I'm beginning to suspect that her husband, Vale Prothonotary, is avoiding me. He's had a few opportunities to come out with us or come to events, but he's never there. He is really nice and he gave me tech support via instant messenger one night when I was trying to set up the router, but he still wants nothing to do with seeing me in public. What's going on? How can I make the Vale Prothonotary like me?

Sincerely, Mommy

Dear Mommy,

WHY CAN'T YOU GET THIS THROUGH YOUR HEAD? I REALIZE THAT YOUR BRAIN IS THE SIZE OF A PEA, BUT COME ON. NO ONE LIKES YOU. PEOPLE ARE ONLY NICE TO YOU TO GET TO ME. IF THEY TELL YOU THAT ISN'T TRUE, THEY ARE LYING TO MAKE SURE THEY HAVE CONTINUED ACCESS TO ME.

So, Moron, maybe if you invite him here, where I am, he will come out and pretend to tolerate you.

REMEMBER, MOMMY, IF IT WEREN'T FOR ME, YOU WOULD HAVE NOTHING. NO FRIENDS, NO HUSBAND, NO OVERLY CRITICAL JUDGE TO ARGUE MOOT COURT STUFF IN FRONT OF. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. DON'T MAKE ME KEEP TELLING YOU THIS.

With Hate, Pal

Natural Beauty

2005-10-23T11:04:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

How do you keep in such great shape? You must have a pretty strict exercise and nutrition program.

The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I wish I could say that I made an effort to be this beautiful, but I don't. I think some things happen because of my lack of fur. I eat all of the time. Because I hate Mommy and I want her to have to work extra hard cleaning (and less time kissing my belly), I drag each individual piece of food into the living room and I eat it on the carpet out there.

On Sunday nights, after my bath (also known as The Kill Mommy Spectacular with water effects), I get a can of tuna for "behaving." Since there is usually bloodshed, I think this is particularly poor planning on Mommy's part. I think Daddy encourages me to hurt her, so that's why I get tuna.

I do enjoy a rigorous exercise program. There is a lot running. Our house has three floors, so there are many steps to keep me in shape. My favorite games are fetch and ribbon, so those also burn a fair amount of calories. Ribbon helps me maintain my physique because of the reaching and stretching involved.

But, Cat Lady, when it comes down to it, I'm naturally a sexy son of a bitch. Like one of those naturally thin supermodels, but without all of the cocaine. It's true - I'm a feast for the eyes.

Best, Pal

For Those of you With Fur

2005-10-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,You are absolutely gorgeous. I lust after you. My problem is: I am hairy. My Mommy tries to brush me daily to alleviate my shedding, but alas, I am a she-sasquatch. I am hoping you can give me some advice on how to be a hairless beauty like you. I would attach a picture of myself, but I fear sickening you with my calico fur. Please help. Yours,J (too embarrassed to give my full name)

Dear Yeti Lady,

I like you. You have good taste. I am a hairless beauty.

I've seen pictures of your kind. Fur is also beautiful. It is not as beautiful as me, because, well, no one is as beautiful as me. Do not hate yourself because of your fur. Learn to embrace it.

Take Mommy for example. Her furry patches above her eyes - they are much larger than you would actually think. So she pulls out each individual piece of hair to make them smaller. Causes herself physical pain so that she can be more hair-free and thus, like me. Mommy is stupid and there is no need for you to do this type of thing. Love your fur, dear calico Yeti Lady.

Plus, when you don't have fur, there are baths. BATHS SUCK. This is a high maintenance look.

Best, Pal

She's Cheating on You

2005-10-22T10:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal - The crazy lady (the one with the bathtub, you remember!), keeps feeding strange cats in MY backyard. She's giving them MY food! For all I know she could be sneaking tuna to them when I'm not looking. How can I bring her in line, and get her to stop allowing these predators into my kingdom? They are not the ones she should be worshipping! Sincerely, Sir Inigo(P.S. - you know what a bitch she can be!)

Dear Sir Inigo,

How can I forget the crazy lady.... While I still like her more than Mommy, I find her very suspicious now.

Your situation does sound extreme, as it is YOUR food that is being given away. Seems to me that there is only one solution: War. Unlike some of the politics in this country of ours, this is not a preemptive war based on lies - Indeed, you have been wronged and you must fight.

I've heard stories about you, Sir Inigo, so I know that you have the mental powers to create the necessary weapons to win this war. First, I suggest you rearrange all food storage locations. Add a booby trap that will activate when she goes to give extra food that is not just for you. Throw some additional booby traps in the backyard. Perhaps something that could give your mommy an electric shock when she's bad.

Most importantly, you need to do a jealous superfreak routine on the other cat. If the other cat that's getting your food knows that such a badass is ruling the kingdom, it will stay away. Be sure to split your efforts between both parties. Then they'll both be too scared to do this illicit food exchange again.

Best, Pal

How to Kill a House Weasel

2005-10-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,I live with six, smelly ferrets and I am the only kitty. How do I change the ratio? In other words, I want them all dead!Thanks,Mashed Potato

Dear Starchy Side Dish,

First, I apologize for my delay in response to your question. SOMEONE has a moot court competition at school and that takes her away from her obligations at home. Add this to the lengthy list of reasons why I HATE her. She's stupid, so let me be more clear - MOMMY, I HATE YOU.

I'm sorry, my buttery friend, back to your problem. You are headed in the right direction. You already know the most important thing - the ferrets must die. I don't really know much about these creatures, so I did what any intelligent cat would do and I googled the beast. Based on what I've learned, I intend to refer to them as house weasels.

The house weasels have very small heads, which I assume contain very small brains. This probably makes them stupider than Mommy (which is an amazing feat). It seems that the easiest way to annihilate your opponent is through poison. Because they are so oddly shaped, I suggest stuffing one down the drain. Since your mommy will think it's a furball or something (and knowing how mommies are, she will probably think it is from you, but little will she know....).

First, she will run water down the drain, which will drown the house weasel that has been sacrificed from the mass murder. When his lifeless body won't flush, she's going to get some liquid drain cleaner. After she opens the bottle, you must run to it and knock it down. The other house weasels, like the small brained morons that they are, will rush over to lap it up like expensive spring water.

Then, order will be restored. No more house weasels to pester you. I wish you luck.

Best, Pal

My viewing picks

2005-10-18T14:11:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

What kind of tv shows do you like to watch?

Sincerely, Tivo

Dear Tivo,

I like shows about animals that fight back. Most recently, I enjoyed news coverage on that stupid snake that tried to eat an alligator. If someone ever tried to eat me, I'd make them explode too.

I'm most interested in extreme sports. Whenever daddy watches the X Games, I practice my own extreme moves. I'm most into free running.

As usual, the list of things that I like is incredibly small and the list of things that I hate is far longer. While Law & Order is tolerable, it is too unrealistic because they wouldn't be able to solve those crimes without the help of an extremely charismatic hairless cat. I detest Sex and the City, the Gilmore Girls and Desperate Housewives because whenever she watches those, Daddy leaves the room. I also hate anything with music that Mommy recognizes because she is prone to scooping me up and making me dance around the room while she sings.

Best, Pal

How to be a winner

2005-10-18T13:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I understand that your mommy is chair for a moot court competition at her school and that you often help her practice for her own competitions. Do you have any advice on how I can be a successful oral advocate?

Sincerely, Petitioner

Dear Petitioner,

First off, it seems like you might be trying to give Mommy credit for my accomplishments. She made it onto the moot court board due to the fact that I am such a handsome son of a bitch and I taught her how to argue. SHE WAS NOTHING UNTIL I CAME INTO HER LIFE.

But, clearly, you are smart and you know to come to me for advice. Not her. So I will humor your request for information. Whenever you argue, not just on moot court, you have to win. If someone tells you that it is sunny and you think it is overcast, fight until they die.

Remember your defense. If someone even tries to argue with them, fight until they die. It's also important to play offense. Pick fights whenever you can. If that bitch even looks at your belly, get her before she can get you. Then, fight until they die.

In conclusion, if you kick everyone's ass, no one new will want to fight you because they are goddamn babies and you will be champion of the world. Well, champion of your world. I am champion of the world.

Best, Pal

I hate you for giving her ideas

2005-10-18T08:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

What are you going to be for Halloween?

Sincerely, My Mommy is dressing me as a pimp dog

Dear Your Mommy is dressing you as a pimp dog,

If Mommy gets near me with a costume, I'll cut that bitch.

Best, Pal

Law School Tips

2005-10-14T23:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

Do you have any law school survival tips?

Legal Lite

Dear Legal Lite,

If you want to survive in anything, you better be nice to me and to your own damn kitty. If you aren't, we will sabotage you. I'm watching you and I have the power to BRING YOU DOWN.

As for law school specifically, quit whining. I hear enough of this crap from her. "Law school is hard." "The July Bar Pass rate was only 52%." "I don't understand this." "I don't remember anything I learned in my first year." "My professor wear a leather vest." "I hate that guy. He looks Amish and raises his hand too much."

The only fun thing I've ever heard Mommy talk about is Asshole Bingo. If you are like the Amish guy, you don't get to play. It's for people like Mommy and my third favorite human to play because they hate the Amish guy. You make a list of the usual suspects that will over-volunteer and keep track for points. Like bingo. Get it? Asshole Bingo.

I play Asshole Bingo, but it is based entirely on Mommy's activities. Except the categories are things like, make her bleed, scratch and leave a mark, puncture wounds. If I get any of these, I WIN.

Best, Pal

Art Schmart

2005-10-14T23:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal, I know your mommy and daddy are into art. Do you have a favorite artist? Paint Brush

Dear Paint Brush,

Until someone paints a picture of me in a smoking jacket in front of a fire place with a martini, I could care less about art.

Best, Pal

There's Only Room for One

2005-10-14T23:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

Are you an only child?

Sincerely, Kind of Scared of You

Dear You Should Be Scared of Me Because I Am a Badass,

When I first arrived, there was a fish named Fish (because Mommy's soooooo creative). Fish was moved around the bedroom to higher and higher locations because I am a damn mountain lion.

One day, Mommy came home from work and found Fish lying on the floor without his water. There was a LOT of screaming. For about two months, she referred to me as the murderous asshole. That'll teach her to kiss my belly.

Best, Pal

Single Parent Home

2005-10-14T23:06:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal, Has your mommy ever done anything good?

Dear Nameless,

Over the summer, Mommy left for about 10 weeks to work as a law clerk in the desert. It was great. Just me and my daddy. Without that pain in the ass. LIKE IT SHOULD BE. She ruined that too though because she made Daddy take off for a week at the beginning and another at the end to drive her lazy ass across the country.

Best, Pal

Absent Daddy

2005-10-14T22:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,My name is Mr. Poopers and not only am I three legged, but I am actually a girl. I also hate my Mommy, but I love my Daddy very much. He is a 1L at CU Boulder and has been too busy to play with me and fawn over me. Even when he has free time evil Mommy makes him clean and have "maritals". What can I do to get my Daddy back?Yours Truly,Mr.Poopers

Dear Mr. Poopers,

It is understandable that you hate your mommy since SHE STOLE YOUR LEG AND IS MESSING WITH YOUR GENDER IDENTITY. First, you need to do something about your name. You have to condition them to call you something different. For a while, Mommy called me "knock it the hell off you asshole" or "stop waking me up or I will shave off all of your fur." While it might seem unflattering, it is really going to be as bad as Mr. Poopers? I didn't think so.

Next, the situation with your daddy is going to improve. I wasn't alive when Mommy was a 1L. When Mommy isn't around, Daddy tells me how lucky I am because she was an even bigger bitch then. Your Daddy will be around more soon. Until then, I suggest a couple of techniques.

First, you can help Daddy study. It is really helpful when you knock the yellow stick (also known as "no, no, that's mommy's highlighter") out of his hand when he is writing. I also like to curl up in Mommy's lap while she studies. (I do it because she is warm but she mistakes it for affection because she is a moron.)

Since I make Mommy sign up for every activity at school to get her out of my house, she spends quite a bit of time doing moot court. I like to criticize her and give her a hard time, so I help with her oral arguments. It's enjoyable to tell her how much she sucks and that I hate her. Since you love your daddy, you can use this time to praise him so he will want to work with you more.

Most importantly, you can make every day life with Mommy into a Torts review, which will make your daddy reward you and want to spend more time with you. Assault and Battery are the two most obvious choices. You can also steal her things, make her slip on a puddle of water that you spilled or make her sneeze from a hairball (if you have fur) (and I believe that is some type of products liability). This kind of help gets really fun when daddy starts criminal law.

Best, Pal

Ew

2005-10-14T15:56:00.000-04:00

This was a response to Mouse's question below. While it is not a question, I think it makes for interesting reading.

Dear Pal, I have a recommendation - my fat, stinky, goopy eyed Pirate Pug likes to express his anal glands when I try to cut his nails. Seems he doesn't like to be put in a head-lock - he feels threatened when confined.Do cats have anal glands?Your Mommy would love the smell...I'm sure she'd appreciate the stains on her favorite shirts too. Give it a try.

Dear Pirate Mom,

Your Pirate Pug is a sick son of a bitch. I like him. He knows how to treat a mommy right.

Best, Pal

Paws

2005-10-14T10:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal, I love my mommy very much. I even let her rub and kiss my belly, and I hardly even mind. But she insists on cutting my toenails, and I'm losing valuable play time trying to resharpen them. How can I get her to leave my paws alone?Mouse

Dear Mouse,

If you are letting her kiss your belly, you are her bitch and such behavior is to be expected. She thinks she can control you. You need to get the control back.

This is probably going to include some behavior modification. First, you have to get the fear back in her. Plan some sneak attacks. Make her bleed once or twice. I realize that you like her, but you need her to be your bitch, not the other way around. Most of all, if you make the nailcutting particularly unpleasant, she won't want to do it as much. Writhe, squirm, bite, kick, hiss and yowl. This method works for me. Hence, long coke whore nails for kangaroo kicking.

Best, Pal

Viva Las Vegas

2005-10-13T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,What are your plans for when your wayward parents uproot you and move you to Nevada? I mean your Mommy won't have all of these school activities to monopolize her time. How are you doing to handle that situation.The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

Mommy is a total loser. If she wasn't in school, she would be sitting in the green chair reading a book. I like when she sits in the green chair because I can sit on her lap and sleep. She's no Ron Jeremy, so if I am sitting on her lap, she can't get to my irresistible belly.

As for Nevada, I am going to be out a lot more. I'm going to have a lady love, Athena, when we move. If I play my cards right, I could be invited to outings on a party barge. Then I won't have to listen to her incessant ramblings. I also have an auntie that has promised to come play with me. I already have more friends than MOMMY. No surprise there.

Plus, she has some big test as soon as we move. If she bothers me, I WILL SEE TO IT THAT SHE FAILS.

Best, Pal

You make me laugh

2005-10-13T12:26:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal, I've lost my sense of humor, and an extreme case of apathy is making it difficult for me to really give a shit. Should I worry about this, or just kick everyone I meet in the shins?Sincerely (but not really),A Devoted Reader

Dear Devoted Reader,

I think it is funny when other people feel pain, so that is probably the best way to cure what ails you. Kicking people in the shins will get rid of your anger and make you laugh. Win-win situation.

Whenever I feel grumpy and things like mommy falling aren't funny anymore, I create my own comedy. Like biting her in that special spot on your arm where it makes you feel numb. That's funny.

It is important to kick up your efforts a notch. If mildly funny stuff no longer does it, then get really really funny stuff. If you have kitties, it is probably a good idea to not torture them because they will start plotting your death.

My other suggestion would be to take a vacation. A cruise or something where people wait on you.

Best, Pal

Fuel Economy

2005-10-12T20:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,I heard a rumor that you own a Lear Jet. Is this true? If it is true, why is your mommy stuck driving a honda?The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I like you because you keep me busy with questions. If I don't keep dictating, she's going to go after my belly because her class was canceled. I don't want that.

There are indeed rumors about my mode of transportation. I do own a lear jet. It is called Athena's Chariot.

Mommy drives a Honda because I don't want her on my jet. She talks to much and she is always trying to touch me. As I have mentioned before, I don't like uninvited touching of my cat person.

I keep her schedule very busy so that she isn't here much. I whisper in her ear that she should join more activities at school and have most of her time taken by meetings. Then, my belly is safe and my sleep is uninterrupted. Since she is always driving around, it is important that her mode of transportation be extremely fuel efficient. Hence, the Honda.

She used to have a VW Beetle. Talk about a piece of shit. She kept taking Daddy's time away from me so that he could pick her up when it broke down and take it to the shop. So I whispered in her ear to get a new car. She is very obedient.

Plus, Mommy is not cool enough for a lear jet.

Best, Pal

Bloggers

2005-10-12T19:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal, Are they any bloggers that you admire as role models for this blog?

Dear Nameless Boring Person,

First, I'm not naming anything after Volumes anymore because it is boring, like you.

Second, since mommy is on the computer ALL OF THE TIME, I have read some blogs. These are the ones I find notable.

1. Dooce. I feel for that Chuck fellow. If Mommy gets near me with spaghetti and tries to wrap it around any piece of me, I'll cut that bitch. Other than that, she makes me laugh like I do when I make Mommy trip when she is coming up the steps.

2. The Fug Girls. They tell it like it is. A quality that I admire. I don't think they would make me wear a leopard print hat and scarf.

3. Sean Bonner. See what happens when you cross him? I respect that.

4. Dear Abby. She is my goddamn hero.

Volume Twenty

2005-10-12T18:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,What if Athena wants nothing to do with you? Do you have a back up plan?The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I chuckle because I am so self-confident that I assume that is impossible. I'm handsome and exotic. Her sister has a boyfriend, so we can go out and double date on the party barge. It's a win-win situation. Plus, she is named for the goddess of wisdom; therefore, she is smart.

If she wants nothing to do with me, that's when I must woo her even harder. She'll be treated like no other lady before. I will don my Burberry bowtie and we'll paint the town red (with Mommy's blood, if necessary). Some things are fate. Destiny, if you will.

Best, Pal

Volume Nineteen

2005-10-12T18:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

Why did you decide to start a blog? Isn't it interfering with your free time since you are only awake for four hours per day?

Sincerely, Pal is a Bad Ass

Dear Pal is a Bad Ass (Amen, dear reader, amen),

First, I dictate everything to Mommy. If she is sitting in front of the computer (nothing new there, people), then it is no big deal because I can go to sleep and review only the finished product.

Second, I turned to blogging because she wouldn't let me have a column in the school newspaper because I curse too much. Apparently, law students are a bunch of goddamn babies who can't handle a little honesty. I insisted she find me an alternate method of self-expression to repay this horrible wrong. She offered to type up my dictations in her free time and to relay your questions. She's not always a huge bitch, but most of the time, I want to hurt her. I would never burden Daddy with this type of task because that would cut into our special cuddle time. Plus, it keeps her on the computer and away from me.

Best, Pal

Volume Eighteen

2005-10-12T18:24:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,I should be so lucky to have your mommy, cause I have 2 mommies and I live in a mixed species household. My fellow feline has taken to being the older dog's bitch, and I am left on my own to fend for myself against the adolescent dog. Since my moms love their furniture more than me, I have no front claws. Landing a paw on the floor dweller's nose does not seem to have any power. What should I do?Clawless Gaymo

Dear Clawless Gaymo,

Your mommy is a bigger bitch than my mommy, but you pose an interesting question. Fortunately, you are not weaponless. I have two solutions for you.

First, you have teeth. If you can somehow wrangle an allergy to your own plaque that goes undetected for a while, you might have to get a lot of your teeth pulled like I did. While this sound unattractive, it is better for a warrior. Since there are no pesky small teeth between my enormous bottom fangs, I can sink those bad boys into mommy's arm even deeper now. I assume this will work on the floor dweller.

My second method is the kangaroo kick. Since only your front claws have been removed, this should also work for you. As mentioned before, Mommy is pretty out of it because law school is hard (which she whines about incessantly), so she is easily tricked. When she comes home and I want to hurt her IMMEDIATELY, I flop on my side and display my irresistible belly. As the word irresistible implies, she cannot resist the temptation and she leans down to kiss it. Then, I attach myself to her like a nudist cat hat and I hold on with my front paws. With the back paws, I thrash as hard as I can and kangaroo kick her with all of my power (which is a significant amount of power). Since I have scary long coke whore nails in the back because Mommy doesn't have the stamina to get to the fourth foot every two weeks, I can do a lot of harm. Dumb bitch falls for it every time. Since the floor dweller is probably smarter than Mommy, this might be tricky, but you can modify this method to fit your situation.

I wish you luck. If they haven't taken your bladder, you need to show your mommies who's boss and pee on their furniture. That'll show 'em.

Best, Pal

Volume Seventeen

2005-10-12T18:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,I'm an abandoned kitty. I've been rained on for five days in a row. I have fleas. My fur is matted and tangly, and I'm hungry. Can you please help me find a home?Sweet Pea (a minion wanna-be)

Dear Sweet Pea,

You've got internet access and good taste, so I think you are going to be fine. Where are you currently living? Can't someone help you get out of the rain?

Since you have fur, I know you aren't allowed to live here. Mommy said that fur will act as an illustration of how little she cleans and she wants that to be "her little secret."

Other people with good taste reading this - Who wants to act as Sweet Pea's loyal Servant?

Best, Pal

Volume Sixteen

2005-10-12T17:19:00.000-04:00

Christmas Joy or Why won't you leave me alone?
Originally uploaded by kittenagogo.

Dear Pal,

Why do you seem to hate your mommy so much?

Sincerely, Curious Reader

Dear Curious Reader,

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Best, Pal

Volume Fifteen

2005-10-12T14:12:00.000-04:00

From the comments of Volume Fourteen

Dear Pal - My very stinky & overweight Pug has to have eye surgery. I can't afford to have it done - but I can't afford not to. The vet will not remove his goopy eye - but he's disgusting...he leaves eye boogers all over my furniture.What would you do?

Dear Nameless Owner of a Fat, Smelly, Visually Impaired Dog,

This dog does not sound aesthetically pleasing. Mommy told me a story involving a pug that belongs to my second and third favorite humans, so I am aware that they are also snot dispensers. Ew.

In this dog's defense, however, I will admit that I also occasionally have an eye booger. Mommy usually has to wrestle me into submission and forcibly remove it. Your Pub seems less courteous though by leaving them around the house.

I think the solution is obvious. Pug starts with the letter P. Do you know what else starts with P? That's right, Pirate. Get him a patch (preferably one with some air freshener built into it) and send him on his way. No one messes with people who wear patches, so he would no longer be bullied about his weight.

Best, Pal

Volume Fourteen

2005-10-12T13:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I don't sleep very much and I have a lot going on. Next week, for example, I have this competition starting at school. It seems that I am in charge of it. I keep trying to cancel the entire competition, but people think I'm kidding. Whenever I think about the competition, I want to vomit everywhere because.... mostly, because I am crazy. Do you have any pearls of wisdom to share with me to reduce the anxiety?

Sincerely, Someone other than Mommy

Dear Someone other than Mommy,

You sound crazy as a bat (and not a cool bat, like a fruit bat which looks like me - just a regular crazy uncool bat). You also sound annoying. Maybe you should go away for a while so your kitty can cuddle with his daddy without listening to your constant babbling. If you were my mommy, I would hide in my fort and wait for you to walk by and then I'd attack you whenever I could because you deserve it. If you sign up for all of this crap, you need to suck it up.

Best, Pal

Volume Thirteen

2005-10-12T11:41:00.000-04:00

From the comments of Volume Twelve

Dear Pal, Your mommy taunts me with chocolate, when she knows I have none. How can I make her stop?

Dear Lady with no Chocolate,

Mommy can be a total bitch, so I am not surprised that she is messing with your head. You are my fourth favorite human (you were higher on the list until you started bathing me this summer in mommy's absence, but you are still higher than mommy). I want you to have chocolate.

Go mug mommy when she leaves work. It will only be effective if she REMEMBERS to bring it. After being mugged, it is unlikely that she would feel kind enough to go back into the office to retrieve candy for you.

Good luck. Give her an extra kick for me because she took the giant bowl of heavenly tuna away this morning. Something about it being for her lunch. AS THOUGH ANYTHING SHE HAS ISN'T ACTUALLY MINE!

Best, Pal

Volume Twelve

2005-10-11T22:35:00.000-04:00

From the Comments...

Hi Pal,My name is Sonny. I am a cat too. I hate my mom. She comes home and always wakes me up and tries to hug and kiss me. I just want her to go away. How can I put an end to this, you know, short of killing her? I try to run under her legs when she is coming down the stairs with her hands full but that never seems to work! I also put my dukes up to fight her off when she approaches me, but she just giggles and tells all her friends how "cute" I am. When I refuse to put my dukes up for them, her friends call her crazy. That seems to help me through the dark times. Help! Meow,Sonny "Santino" Stinkerson

Dear Sonny "Santino" Stinkerson,

Mommy used to do the same exact thing. Here's how I handled that bitch. Daddy and mommy have opposite sleep cycles, so he wakes up 4 a.m. every morning. I'd play with him for a while and then I'd remember the belly kissing bitch and around 5 a.m., I'd attack her feet.

When I was a baby, mommy thought it would be important for me to learn the art of war. You know, that whole thing about knowing your enemy. I turned it against her. I would attack her feet and then run off. Once mommy wakes up and her pill-induced spell is broken, she can't go back to sleep. There's usually yelling and cursing. If she happens to fall asleep, I attack again.

Like any good warrior, I know that I have to break my enemy down through lack of sleep. If she is tired, she will watch tv and look comatose. Tired=no belly kissing.

So, I suggest that you find your mommy's weakness and wear her ass down until she can't function. Then, instead of talking about how cute you are, she's going to tell everyone what a badass you are and how you are plotting against her. She thinks she is just paranoid, but IT IS TRUE!!! Plus, it totally gives you a good rep.

I wish you luck, brave warrior.

Best, Pal

Volume Eleven

2005-10-11T22:30:00.000-04:00

From the comments of Volume Ten

Dear Pal,What do you think about DiBona?

A concerned friend of mommy's

Dear A Concerned Friend of Mommy's,

Okay, here's the thing. I realize Mommy is typing this, but she is so brain dead that I don't think she can read anymore - I think DiBona is making mommy insane. She mutters to herself. She never sleeps. (more so than usual.) She keeps thanking daddy for not divorcing her and just getting drunk every night instead.

As for the problem, I'll be honest - I've seen better. I'm not into tax. I'd much rather see a problem about a vicious killing by a cat and whether or not the owner is personally liable.

Best, Pal

Volume Ten

2005-10-11T20:17:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

What's the ONE thing that pisses you off the most?

Sincerely, Curious Cat

Dear Curious Cat,

Mommy and her goddamn camera.

Best, Pal

Volume Nine

2005-10-11T19:35:00.000-04:00

From an email to mommy.

if I'm driving down the road at the speed of light, and I turn on my headlights, what happens?

[No Signature]

Dear Nameless Person,

Seriously? I sleep for twenty hours per day. Twenty hours. I do not have time to study physics because of this schedule. While it pains me to admit that I don't know everything, I have nothing to contribute to this line of questioning.

Best, Pal

Volume Eight

2005-10-11T19:00:00.000-04:00

From the comments of Volume Four

Pal,My two female cats fight sometimes. One of them has a mean left hook. Oh and neither of them gives a shit about the law. Should I be concerned?The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

Are your female cats fighting over me? I can understand that type of behavior. If they are not, tell them to knock it the hell off because it is getting on your nerves. If they continue, threaten to give them away to people who wear wool with flat asses that smell like BO and Goats. If they are anything like me, they will not like this option and they will cease the fighting.

As for the law, I only care because mommy won't shut the hell up and it makes her feel better when people give polite conversational cues and pretend to "listen." If they are thrown into Gitmo (please discuss with mopey in December because I think she will be able to tell you more about this), I suspect the law would be more important. Since it can be tricky to get onto the bases of the armed forces, I suggest that you create your own home detainment camp. You know, to teach them a lesson.

Best, Pal

Volume Seven

2005-10-11T18:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

Do you have a lady love?

Sincerely, Your Secret Admirer

Dear Secret Admirer,

While I do not currently have a girlfriend, I'm going to soon. Her name is Athena. When I move to a nicer climate, I intend to woo her. She will love me because I am handsome and worldy.

Best, Pal

Volume Six

2005-10-11T18:34:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I am your biggest fan. What type of things do you like?

Sincerely, Paltastic Fanatic

Dear Paltastic Fanatic,

I like you because you have good taste. I like sleeping and forts and playing ribbon.

More importantly, here is a list of things that I don't like. These things are important so you know how to avoid crossing me. In no particular order:

People who smell like BO and/or goats
Humans with flat asses
Dancing monkey
Getting a bath
Getting my ears cleaned
Not getting my way
Unsolicited touching of my cat person
Wool
When people throw keys at me
That dumb little dog owned by the crazy people in New Jersey - I made him bleed and I will undoubtedly make you bleed if you cross me
Loud noises
People who criticize mommy's boyfriend, Bill Clinton
Choreographed dance with mommy
Daddy's socks

I'm sure there's more, but I'm winded and need to rest.

Best, Pal

Volume Five

2005-10-11T18:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

My seminar paper on the process owed to enemy combatants detained at Gitmo is really stressing me out. I'd rather just get in bed and bury under the covers. Any advice?

- mopey.

Dear Mopey,

I sleep approximately twenty hours per day. Most of them are in a fort. I understand your desire to imitate me.

As for your paper, which I honestly don't care about, I remember when mommy wrote her seminar paper. She spent about two days on it and freaked out on daddy every time he spoke to her. She would not play mouse OR ribbon with me during that period, so I know she was hard at work. What I'm really trying to say is this - If your semester isn't done until December, why are you whining about this now?

Best, Pal

Volume Four

2005-10-11T17:08:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

What do you think of the current Supreme Court nominee?

Sincerely, Court Crony

Dear Court Crony,

I think she is extremely unattractive. Anyone who likes that dancing monkey must be drugged or brainwashed. Do not take this as an invitation to give me an earful of your right-wing propaganda. I'm a democat, so deal with it.

Best, Pal

Volume Three

2005-10-11T16:53:00.000-04:00

From the comments on Volume One...

Hi Pal, My husband is being a fucker! He knows I'm really stressed right now so he took it upon himself to ask why. When I told him that the poor bar passage rate, moot court, dirty laundry, and messy apartment were making me stressed out, he told me I was being difficult. Do you have any advice? P.S. I really hate him right now. Did I mention that he has more free time on his hands and yet our apartment still looks like shit!!!!!

Dear You are too Lazy to Make up a Clever Name,

While I can pretend to be interested in your problems, I can only wonder if you are also neglecting things like your hair and your own kitty. Get off your ass and get shit done. Or, drink until you fall asleep. That always works for mommy, except she takes pills.

As for your husband, there is no need for that kind of attitude. In approximately two weeks, my nails will be sharp as daggers. You bring him to me. We'll straighten it out. I'll sew that mop to his hand. Don't you worry. The only issues you will have are the demons in your head.

Best, Pal

Volume Two

2005-10-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

It's my first year of law school. I'm really overwhelmed by Torts and Civil Procedure. Do you have any study tips?

Sincerely, Terrified of Torts

Dear Terrified of Torts,

You make me sad. If you can't pass those two classes, you need to get your sorry ass out of law school. Not everyone needs to be a lawyer, okay?

Best, Pal

Volume One

2005-10-11T16:22:00.000-04:00

Dear Pal,

I'm exhausted from my first year of law school. What can I do to feel more rested?

Sincerely, Tired 1L

Dear Tired 1L,

My mommy and daddy are tired all of the time. You are a pussy.

Best, Pal