Saturday, January 21, 2006

I Love You and I Will Miss You

Dear Friends,

It is almost unbearable to type these words - today, we said goodbye to Pal. This will be the last letter posted.

Dear Pal,

Today, your daddy and I said goodbye to you and I can't begin to tell you how that feels. You were our pride and joy. A true blessing. As I have the need to talk, but I can't do that without crying, I will write. I need to tell you and the world how special you truly were.

Once upon a time, I was very sick with some sort of demon living in my stomach. I was unable to work. Sleeping has always been a bit tricky for me, too. It was a Saturday night. Your daddy fell asleep, but I stayed up and watched Saturday Night Live. Tracy Morgan had a skit on that night where he played the dopey animal talk show host. The skit featured a sphynx cat. Since I had already taken my sleeping meds, it made perfect sense that I had to have one of those. I longed for the companionship of a pet, but I didn't want some regular cat. So I went right in and got on the computer. Within minutes, I found your picture on a breeder's website. You were perfect.

The First photo

You looked all wild-eyed with your crazy big bat ears. So handsome and wrinkled and sweet. I contacted the breeder and figured I would approach the subject with your daddy the next morning.

It all worked out. You flew on a plane from North Carolina and came to live with us. That sleeping-pill fueled decision was the best one that I have ever made. You were a prince. From the moment that you came into our lives, you blessed us with joy and companionship. You helped me through that very difficult time when I was sick. I know in my heart that you were one of the keys to my recovery.

I won't describe every moment we shared in this letter, but I want people to see just how special you were. Smart as a whip - you could get us to do whatever you wanted. We were absolutely under your spell.

A total fearless badass. If there was a surface in this house, you scaled it. You had to be the highest thing in the room at all times. If all you could get to was someone's shoulder, you took it. You would sit there like a parrot on a pirate. But if you could get onto something else, you did that. You particularly liked being on doors. Or the bookcases.

Climbing Monkey

We called you our little climber monkey. Sometimes, if I wasn't paying enough attention, you would scale me and end up on the top shelf of the closet. I could never reach to get you down, so your daddy would come to your rescue or you would jump onto my shoulder.

On Top of the Shoeboxes

This blog only portrayed one side of you - the sassy badass. And, you were, indeed, sassy. You did love your daddy more than anything on earth, but I want people to know that we were also friends. You loved me too. A lot. Sure, you may have talked some crap about me on the blog, but it was because we were more like siblings. Since I was home all of the time when he was a baby, I taught him how to play like a badass. That involved the killing of feet.

Must Kill Feet, Part Two

The sneak attack while in forts.

Fort Pal

The art of invisibility.

Pal Loves Tissue Paper

And the art of war. We practiced your warrior skills a lot. You'd get that look in your eyes and I knew I was going to get it.

I'm about to get it

And I'd fight back too. There were many occasions when you would be hanging upside down from my arms and I would show your daddy and try to prove your bat heritage.

You'd pounce and play for hours. Sure, you did get plenty of sleep, but if you were awake, we were playing. We'd hear you dragging your ribbon from the bedroom into the office and we'd know you wanted to play.

Pal and his favorite toy

While you were a total badass, you also had your sweet and quiet moments. When I was busy at the computer (which was frequent), you would sit on the modem and sometimes crawl into my lap.

Pal

Top of the Pal

(this one was taken while you sat on my lap, on your birthday, just two days before you got sick. It breaks my heart to know that you had a blood clot that was getting ready to break free and cause you such pain.)

My favorite times with you were spent in the infamous green chair. I don't have any pictures of us snuggling together, but that's where I studied. As soon as I pulled out a casebook, you would jump on the chair and crawl into my lap. You'd purr and purr. When it was cold, we'd cover up with your favorite blue blanket. I would curse every time the phone rang or if I had to do something stupid, like pee, because I didn't want to mess up those perfect moments.

Pal with his Beloved Blue Blanket

I did manage to get your picture with your daddy, all snuggled up. I'm going to treasure these pictures forever.

Snuggling with his daddy

I drove you crazy, following you around with the damn camera. Especially when I got the new D50. But you were right - you were a handsome son of a bitch and everyone loved to look at your pictures.

Pal

To have these pictures of you means the world to me. I'm sure I blinded you with the flash a couple of times, but you were so cute. It was impossible to resist your charms.

Pal, I love you and I miss you already. I'm glad your daddy and I were able to be with you until the end. You brought more joy to our lives than I can ever express. You were a perfect baby boy. My sun, my moon and my stars. I will keep you in my heart forever. I love you, baby boy. I LOVE YOU.

Love, Mommy

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

LISTEN TO ME THIS TIME - STOP TALKING TO ME

Dear Pal,

Happy Birthday.

Sincerely, Mommy

Dear Woman Who is Married to My Daddy,

I have repeatedly told you to stop emailing me. Please don't make me cut you on my special day.

With hate, Pal

Daddy is the nicest daddy in the world

Dear Pal,

Happy Birthday. We'll feast on tuna tonight in honor of your birthday.

Love, Daddy

Dear Daddy,

Thank you, Daddy. I look forward to our celebration. You better not invite her.

Love, Pal

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Yes, My Birthday is Coming Up

Dear Pal,

Is it true that your birthday is coming up? Do you have special plans?

Sincerely, Pal Groupie

Dear Pal Groupie,

Yes, my birthday is on Tuesday, January 17. I will be a very devilish three years old.

To celebrate, I envision the following scene. Rest peacefully in my nest of blankets all day since both Mommy and Daddy will be at work. Mommy will arrive home first. I will spend at least 30 minutes chasing her and drawing her blood. (As I am getting older, it is important to stay in shape with a vigorous cardio workout).

Then, I will take another nap. A feast will be made in my honor by Chicken of the Sea. Daddy will come home and rejoice that it is my birthday. We will lock Mommy out of the house and play until I crash.

It's going to be the best birthday ever.

Best, Pal

They Say Wine is Good for Your Heart

Dear Pal,

I don't know what Bob is talking about. No one, and I do mean NO ONE knows who I am.

By the way do you have an opinion on people who drink too much wine with dinner? I'm not just talking a couple of glasses here; I'm talking falling down drunk.

Sincerely, The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I know we haven't personally met, but it sounds like Bob may have you mixed up with someone else....

I don't have any experience with wine. [With whine, yes, as that is Mommy's middle name.] I will assume that its intoxicating effect is similar to that of vodka or a lot of beer. I've had the opportunity to observe those antics.

I don't believe in doing anything, unless I am the best at it. Since I am the best at most things (playing ribbon, attacking Mommy, sleeping, being handsome, etc.), I can assume that one who drinks to the point of falling down is simply an overachiever. Perhaps if this person was to receive a ribbon for a being the world's best wine drinker, the person would no longer feel the need to fall down.

I am also assuming that this person would never get behind the wheel of an automobile. I do not approve of driving while intoxicated because it's stupid and I don't like stupid people. [This Public Service Announcement brought to you by The Pal.]

Best, Pal

Everyone wants to be near Pal

Hey Pal,

Whats up?

I used to visit my friend, The Cat Lady, ("TCL") at her old office and that is where I first saw your picture - in TCL's office - right next to mine. Initially, I must admit, I was a little ticked that she would put a picture of another man (especially one that looks like you) anywhere near my beloved Sammy's picture, but I eventually got over it.

Although TCL is no longer at that office, your picture is now posted in several places throughout the building. How do you explain that? My Mom even has a picture of you at her desk. (She also has a few of that little orange cat, too). Is this your doing?

See ya Soon, Bob

Dear Bob,

Let me apologize for Mommy's behavior AGAIN. First, she is taking forever to type my dictation. She feeds me some bullshit line about how she is working on a brief for a moot court competition, but I know that's not true because I don't think she can read that well. Second, she's constantly taking my damn picture. All week long. Even though she started school again. She won't stop. Camera here. Camera there. Camera Everywhere. Here are a couple of examples of how I was minding my own business this week and she wouldn't go away.

Looking the enemy in the eye

Pal with his Beloved Blue Blanket

This one's the proverbial straw that will break the mommy's camera when she goes to bed. I can't even attack things from a veil of invisibility and that stupid camera is there to capture it. As my Godmother noticed when she viewed the picture, I'm giving Mommy the international sign for "stop taking my goddamn picture."

Must Kill Feet, Part Two

Now, as for the photo displays in your mommy's workplace, I can completely understand that. I'm a handsome son of a bitch and it makes sense that people want to be surrounded by my beautiful face. It's Mommy's fault for taking the pictures in the first place and then posting them for the world to see on Flickr, but it's completely rational that people would want to be near my photographic cat person once they have it.

When we get to the desert, I am assuming that people will constantly be lined up outside of the house to see me during my awake hours. Bob, I know that you understand my pain. Being beautiful is such a burden.

Best, Pal

Monday, January 09, 2006

No One But Me Is Perfect

Dear Pal,

Your daddy can't possibly be perfect. Or can he?

Dear Doesn't Believe How Awesome My Daddy Is,

I understand that no one is perfect. Well, except for me. I am perfect. Daddy is as close as any other person can be. He's nice and he refrains from kissing my belly and he wants to avoid the weekly kill mommy spectacular with water effects just as much as I do.

Sometimes he does things that are silly. For example, he stopped at home today during my morning nap time (10 am - 2 pm). He talked to a giant lump in Mommy's quilt. He then convinced himself that I was dead because the lump wasn't moving. I watched with mild amusement from on top of another blanket across the room. It took him a while, but he eventually felt my powerful glare and realized where I was. He felt silly. He then left and I resumed napping.

Best, Pal

PS - good news - Mommy starts class again this week. Things are looking bright for Pal.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Change is good

Dear Pal,

How come you changed your photo on this blog? The other one looked just fine.

Sincerely,The Cat Lady

Dear The Cat Lady,

I changed my picture to show something a little more up to date. Everyone is cute when they are little. I've done the impossible and become even cuter than when I was little. (Because people thought it was impossible that I could be any cuter, see.)

The old picture was from when I was just a wee badass. This one shows how handsome I am currently.

Best, Pal

Snuggling with Daddy is Awesome

Dear Pal,

I understand that your daddy is perfect and all, but you looked kind of wussy in those photos where you were snuggling with him in the blue chenille blanky. Just sayin' you may want to watch photos like that in the future.

Sincerely, NOT The Cat Lady

Dear Not the Cat Lady,

I assume you are referring to pictures like this.

Getting Sleepy

I'm going to have to say that you are WRONG. It's impossible for a badass like me to look like a wussy. It was nap time. The only reason I was awake is because SOMEONE kept taking my goddamn picture. I don't sleep on a bed of nails to stay tough. In fact, I'm a peaceful fellow, except when I'm enraged. It just so happens that Mommy enrages me frequently and I have to maim her a lot.

So your accusations which infer I am not a badass warrior are way off. I'm simply resting. Be sure that I could cut a bitch in a second, even while I'm this serene.

Best, Pal

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Spring Is Looking Better

Dear Pal,

I really want you to like me. I'm taking Wills & Trusts, Family Law and a seminar in the spring. Is there any way that I can be of service to you with these new skills?

Sincerely, Bored 3L

Dear I Hope You've Got a Good Job Lined Up Because Those Loans Ain't Gonna Be Cheap,

I need to know the following:
1. What is the process necessary to terminate parental rights without the parent's consent. It is definitely in the best interests of the child, so you can skip over that part.
2. Can Mommy create a trust that will ensure that I have tuna and tasty treats to last for all of eternity? I want it to be called the Irrevocable Pal is the Most Awesome Badass Handsome Son of a Bitch Trust.

Run along. Do my bidding. You tell me when you've found the right answer.

Best, Pal

I'm the Supreme Cat of the United States

Dear Pal,

Alito's confirmation is in the news again. What do you think of him?

Sincerely, Legal Buff Who Loves Cats

Dear Cat Who Is Burdened by Law-Loving Dumbass,

You know my political leanings. He seems a little too conservative for me.

I need a justice who will restore peace and order to my world. In other words, when I kill Mommy, is he going to have my back? Probably not.

Best, Pal

Chenille Tastes Good

Dear Pal,

Your mommy recently told me that you are a blanket licker. Any rebuttal?

Sincerely, That's Kind of Gross

Dear Have You Ever Tasted a Blanket,

MOMMY IS A STUPID BITCH AND YOU SHOULD NEVER SIDE WITH HER.

From time to time, I may indulge in a taste or two of the blue chenille blanket. What's wrong with that?

Best, Pal

Wrongful Adoption

Dear Pal,

I'm in the middle of this research regarding an adoptive parent's right to privacy. What are your thoughts on this?

Sincerely, Constitutional Scholar

Dear Scholar,

You inquire about an interesting topic. Without thorough, possibly invasive, background checks, people end up with crazy assholes, like Mommy. With these same background checks, people could get someone perfect, like Daddy. It's a double-edged sword. Whose interests are more important? The crazy bitch who thinks people shouldn't know about how looney she is or the adoptee who could end up with her...

Mostly, it comes down to this: being a great warrior. If you can kick someone's ass, you will get what you want. So even if an adopted individual ends up with some nut, the true warrior can outsmart and out-battle the nut.

Best, Pal

Just Like Heaven

Dear Pal,

Well, come on. It's Wednesday. I expected a little more activity from you once your mommy went back to work. What's going on?

Sincerely, Loyal Fan

Dear Loyal Fan,

I am in such a blissful state that I forgot to do my dictation yesterday. I apologize, dear readers. She FINALLY went back to work yesterday. Now, my sleep cycle is back to normal. I can feast whenever I please. That goddamn camera isn't constantly flashing. Things here are good. Very good.

Best, Pal

Saturday, December 31, 2005

My Resolutions for 2006

Dear Pal,

I'm going to play more. Do you have any resolutions?

Sincerely, Another Awesome Badass

Dear You May Be Awesome, But You Still Aren't As Awesome As Me,

Everyone has some improvements that they would like to make in their lives. Here are my resolutions for 2006.

1. Kill that camera.
2. Kill that bitch with the camera's corpse.
3. Move closer to my beloved Athena.
4. Stop taking baths.
5. Spend more time napping. I must be rested for all of the killing.
6. Snuggle with Daddy more.

Best, Pal

Mommy's on a Tight Leash

Dear Pal,

Don't you worry about letting your Mommy type your dictation? I mean, what if she tries to express herself or change your words.

Dear Person Who Doesn't Believe How Stupid Mommy Really Is,

I keep a tight watch on her while she types my dictation.

This is how Pal Blogs

Plus, she's scared and knows not to change my words. Want to know why? Say it with me, people, I'll cut that bitch.

Best, Pal

A Pet for Jinxie

Dear Pal,

I know you lust after Athena, and she surely is a gorgeous kitty - quite suitable for your handsome self. However, I must tell you that I am quite a beauty too. My mommy shows me your pictures all the time, and I can't help but purr when I see your handsome body shots. I have included some pictures of my own for your viewing pleasure. The human in the picture is quite nice, unlike your Mommy (and mine, I might add). Mommy makes me wear a bell so she knows when I plan on jumping out and cutting Daddy's legs. She has recently begun to make a fire for me to lay in front of, which is pretty nice, however it does bug me when she coos over my warm belly fur and wants to disrupt my slumber to pet me.

I too can't wait until my Mommy returns to school, but it is my understanding that she is getting a dog to keep me company very soon. Yes, you heard me right, a DIRTY DOG! She keeps talking about how she can't wait to dress him up (because she knows if she tries that with me, she'll be breaking out the band-aids). I will have to cut him to let him know who's boss in this family. If you have any advice to help with this transition, I would appreciate it.

Happy New Year,Jinxie (Vale Queen's kitty)

Dear Jinxie,

First, let me thank you for the photos. You are an alluring beauty. I am a taken man, but I might have a friend for you. He's still a bit young, but he's very handsome. His name is mouse. He's a badass pirate kind of guy....

As for this dog - WHAT IS WRONG WITH MOMMIES? Why do they think their behavior is okay? The bell situation shows that you have your mommy in line, for the most part. They only accessorize you because they fear you. They need a warning to prepare for your attacks. That's good. They know who is boss (and it certainly isn't them).

You immediately have to train this dog. With proper training, he may make a suitable pet for you. Jinxie's obedience school for dumb dogs should operate smoothly with your keen senses.

I believe that this dog can become very useful in your fight against your mommy. If she is busy dressing this dog for the winter, she won't be bothering you while you are resting in front of the fire.

If she has to walk this beast, she won't be in the house listening for your bell, so you can plan your attack strategies with ease.

If the dog is tall, it might also serve as an easy to ladder to help you get to high places. For dive bomb attacks, of course.

Upon his arrival, if he shows any resistance to your plans, I suggest you cut him too. Show him that you are the one to be obeyed.

Best, Pal

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